can you feel { can you feel [ CAN YOU FEEL ~ ?

♫ One Republic - Made For You ♪

`` Can you feel all the love, like it was made for you ? ``

Who knew apparel could make such amazing connections?

It was black with white print.

Well, you know, I want one of those shirts that say "Free Hugs", or something nice like that. I just want to run around with apparel that sports the sincerity of my essence [ or what I'd like to consider as such: ] compassion. But, until I can, I sport the wristbands of my cause.

[ The dog's Franklin, my dog. <3 ]
Most incorporate financial support upon purchase for what I can't directly effect and benefit - though, there is one in particular that is a non-profit organization wherein wearing it does nothing but spread the word.

The image at the top of this blog, with that book - "No One Belongs Here More Than You: Stories by  Miranda July" [ I never checked out what it was about, though when I Google'd it, I found this link; I'll give it to you at the end with a favored means of therapy from a friend of mine ] - links to this mentioned, non-profit organization.

You Are Loved
And so does that~

I have the pleasure of saying that I am friends with the founder of that organization. If you click it and read through, you may feel obliged to disregard what is said there. But, surprisingly enough, if you sit there and actually follow her instructions, it can change your life. Just how I aim to change your perspective here, she aims to mend your life there.

I hung out with her and a batch of our good friends on Sunday at the beach. One of our friend's friends tagged along, introduced as Erica Lynn [ shout out to the new baby of our group~! <3 ] and she became part of our family easily. We went to the seaside - and, as a Scorpio, she declared that she won the scuffle over dubbing our location a universal "seaside", as opposed to the inquisition of the specific location of "Seaside [ Heights ]". But, I digress, for that is not the point [ even though everyone agreed with her and I was left to sulk in her perpetually, infallible ways. ] Sunday, we went on our ventures, had a blast.

Being good friends and spending quality time with one another usually does that.

By the end of the night, we had gone through our ups and downs and had easily become closer than any of us would have anticipated. We were weary, tired and spent, having been on our feet all day. As par standard, people stand by their shops, attracting attention to what they're selling.

One woman in particular was wearing that shirt above - it was black with white print that read "Google Me". When Solomon was appeased with the offer of a sample of ice cream, alongside Tori and Erica, Nicole and I having our sporadic heart-to-heart and Matthew over fetching a coffee, we were carted over to speak with the lady. She invited us to get one, and so Solomon did. He had some kind of green [ pistachio or mint, most likely ] with sweetened milk. It sounded nice, but I declined his offer - wasn't much in the mood for any ice cream.

She then offered us a water for seventy-five cents.

Wanna know where this place is?

Well, if I remembered, I'd be able to tell you. Whatever the case, I'm sure they won't be going out of business anytime soon, so no worries.

Right, so, while we had our ice cream and water, Nicole - being the social butterfly she is - challenged the lady's shirt.

"If I Google you, what will pop up?"

I, honestly, wasn't too enthralled with the notion of another adventure with another individual for another length of time. I was ready to curl up in Matt's car with peeps and snooze for the rest of the ride back home.

Interestingly enough, the woman responded.

"Let's find out. My name's Shelly Gates."

Go ahead and Google her. Now keep that tab open.

The first thing Nicole went to was the LinkedIn site. Unfortunately, that wasn't where her information could be found.

"You should Google me, too," Nicole casually suggested. "The first thing you'll find about me is my organization."

Yep. She's the one with the non-profit organization. That is, of course, if you didn't know about it already.

"It's the Facebook link right?" [ Nicole  ]

"Yep." [ Shelly ]

And so we inspected her Facebook details. She is apparently a promoter for some famous record labels and, by Google-ing her, we made a spectacle of what Nicole's all about. It was an outlet, and Nicole wasted no time in making the connection that she does with everyone. Not only for her life's work, but because the woman, Ms. Gates, shared her vision.

The one line I recall distinctly [ thankfully for my marvelous memory of everything ] was Shelly saying:

"... This sick, twisted world we're living in - I'm tired of it. I don't want my children to have to grow up being afraid of the same things I was. I want to make this world a better place - and, as I always say, you don't have to do anything big to change the world: you change one person, you change the world."

- Shelly

I know that message resonates with Alex very strongly. =]

So, Nicole and Shelly went back and forth, speaking of the world, and Matthew and I were standing alongside, observing and occasionally engaging in the discourse. It was interesting, to say the least, because she said she was a promoter for Hip-Hop and Rap artists who performed down on the boardwalk at the shows they had. They weren't rapping about the asinine and ridiculous habits our famous "idols" tend to gravitate towards to appease our simple pleasures:

"They're out here rapping about real stuff that's actually happened to them and that they want to stop - that they want to change."

- Shelly

Shelly was passionate in her statements.

Nicole was just the same.

Nicole readily shed her lone bracelet, brandishing her organization and offered it to Shelly.

Shelly whole-heartedly accepted it and inspected it.

"The reason I chose the hearts to be like a ribbon is because it looks like a ripple-effect - the love flows from one person to another."

- Nicole

And, I realized in that moment, that I had never even acknowledged that before.

She was much more clever than I had made her out to be, that lovely Nicole.

So, I google'd Nicole.

"Nicole Pastore"

And look what beautiful little treasure I found. =]

To say she's been a huge influence on me and my life is an understatement. I may have only known her for just about a year or so [ oh my God, Nicole, it's only been, like, a year what is this? Hahaha. ] but I feel like I've known her from my youth.

And, for me, that's a rarity.

Just watch it. It's five minutes. And if you don't smile once, it's because you don't know the kind of person she is.

"Anything you do will be up there. I used to Google myself all the time - if you do one stupid thing, your five-minute-act of stupidity will land you up there with all of your personal information, your address, your family: everything. That's why the way to go is to do positive things and change the world around you."

- Shelly

This is all feel-good stuff. The song's about everything being made for you in particular; Nicole's organization is to help you realize that life's not only bigger than both you and I but for both you and I; the world is about learning, living, and loving.

And it's amazing.

So, go ahead and Google yourself. Find anything?

Is it good stuff?

Don't you want to make it better?

Oh, and before I go, here're those links I promised. I'll be checking out this "No One Belongs Here More Than You" myself, so I can see what it's all about; and the site that a good friend of mine [ she says her name's Michelle but I call her My Angie <3 ] showed me is this: Calming Manatee [ so go spam that button at the bottom. ]

When have I ever said we couldn't make the world a better place?

And when have I ever said you were never loved?

I wouldn't write it if it weren't true.

Thank you Nicole for helping exact these points.

<3 ~ Monty
=]

[ and you left me shimmering ] . . . LIKE * d . i . a . m . o . n . d . :: { weddingrings//

I was lazy.

I said I wasn't going to do anything.

It's the Summertime. Why in the world would I do anything productive?

School's out, I'm no longer in High School, and all I have to worry about is getting ready for Freshman Year of college.

Makes sense that all I would do is prepare for the eons of sleep I would miss during my college years, right?

My mom woke me to go to the office with her.

I went every day this week while she was busy being more than one important aspect of the school. This week she was being a clinical instructor. Next week, she would be the administrator to get accreditation for the courses and supply us with a better foundation, a better establishment.

I would have to wake up, regular school hours, to tag along with her to drop off my younger brother at school, and then sit in a chair for a handful of hours while she was nowhere in sight.

The week after will be the same thing, though this week, she said something that lit a spark in my mind.

Most of my teenage years, I was apathetic to most things. I was confined to trying to figure out who I was and wouldn't like any particular influences that didn't coincide with what I wanted. Truthfully, we're too similar of people in certain aspects, so our astrological horns ram together, signifying the plenty clashing experiences we share.

But this week, she told me something that made me rethink my future.

No, Mom. I'm not quitting on my dreams, because that's something even you wouldn't advocate.

"This is your inheritance. Since your older brother isn't capable of taking care of it, and your younger brother is just a baby, it's all in your hands. You need to learn the ropes so that, should anything ever happen to me, you can run the business. People may know how things operate and what we do, but I need you to be able to take control and keep it going."

This lady here said that.
This picture was from the Graduation Dinner and stuff.
Nevermind my face, look at hers.
. . .  I suppose I got the weird faces from her, then.

If you have a first- or second-generation parent,  you'd understand the motivation and dedication these people have to efficiency. It's.... admirable, to say the least.
Even after my four years of studying what to do on stage, on film, and how to write about the world I've been neglecting and hiding from all the same for so long, I would need to return to this place. I would need to be one of the standing pillars that she could rely on, lean on without abandon and trust that she could leave the business in good hands in the later years of her retirement.

It made me think about the back-up plans she's always been goading me about. I mean, I did it because it was practical, and, as the person I am, being practical is the best way to go about planning futures, but this... this made me change my resolve to aid her.

If I couldn't directly appreciate her efforts as a mom, as a provider and couldn't stand her guts as a person, the least I could do was give her the slice of peace of mind she needed.

I was there all week to get a drop in the mouth - to taste and feel it out. A crash course in managing a business.

And the iota of responsibility I garnered was proportioned to me was more than enough to wipe me out.

How she did it every day and, on top of simply sitting there and doing the tedious errands she needed to, she taught classes, associated with her students, communicated and networked with complete strangers, putting  her neck out for the business she founded, and the works.

I've got to buckle down and realize that, whether I like it or not, I'll have to endure the same thing, if not a better rendition.

Because she's weathering the brunt of the storm right now.

Thankfully, she's her husband and my younger brother to give her some kind of company.

Talking to yourself isn't always unhealthy, sure - but the spiels this woman goes on about has me wondering what a filter really is.

Heh.

SO.

My resolve to help her strengthened. And she talked today about giving and helping and what I'm all about, basically.

One of the first students who gained a scholarship to her school was one of my siblings.

My sibling couldn't follow through with the studies and therefore lost the scholarship.

Years later, my mother resolved to offer scholarships to five different high schools and give the high school students opportunities to better their futures and better the world.

I'll admit, that's something I was surprised to hear she had in her.

But, then again, if I didn't make it myself, where did all my great qualities come from?

. . .

My grandmother, I'm convinced. <3

Lookin' good, Miss Flo. <3

Anyhow. That was nice to hear her say. And she kept looking to me, the tacit reference of my sibling having tinged the conversation's focus to stay away from open wounds.

To say the least, the two sides of my family aren't likely to overlap other than in mention of one another.

To me.

It's okay, really.

It's just, like, a schism of sorts.

When you have two polar opposites, you can always find the happy, middle ground.

=D

My resolve infected other things today. As I was running about, driving the car and such, I stopped by my school - my Alma Mater. I should start calling it that. Second home away from home and all that niceness. Hahah.

I dropped off the cards for our classmate, Robbie, and got to see the teachers for what would seem to be a bit of time. It made me think about the dream I had about him the other night, and then, when he finally communicated with me, I was beyond elation, to say the least. That helped my resolve to help and be active and do stuff, so I went back to my mom's office.

We were busy tending to the loose ends left while she was out of the office. Then we tried at communicating people for college.

Surprisingly enough, the easygoing path to college wasn't so worry-free for me. Financial aid and all.

Oh. Yes. You know all about that, you say? Well, have mercy on your soul. Hahah.

They didn't respond.

So, we went through the daily grind and picked up the work where we needed to. She got me to type up this Affiliation Agreement which was relatively tedious, but not all as bad as I thought it would have been. Then we got home, I showered, and decided to clean up the room my brother and I share.

I mean, I'd much rather not do it while they're not here and I have no reason to move out of my bed other than to open the office and then come back and sleep until the next day.

Sounds like an immaculate series of evenings for me. Haha.

But I got home and I cleaned. And I've been drawing for the past few days. I've also been working on resuming work on my novels - yes, books that authors write ( it's tons of fun, let me tell ya ). And, and, and, well, thinking of the covers.

I've been talking with Erik, and since I'm the only one of the two of us who's as busy as I am, we're resolving to figure this thing out. It's Summertime, and we don't really have much of an excuse to not do what we need to.

So we're gonna start cranking out songs.

The song at the top isn't one of them. This is just what I've been listening to, but forgot to mention and ended up putting at the top to cheat.
So. Yeah. Enjoy it.

I'll come back next week with something actually insightful, I guess.

For right now, just stop complaining and do what you're supposed to.

It'll make everything a lot easier for you later.

I promise.

<3 ~ Monty.
=]

we got all these words [ we can`t ] - WASTE THEM ON EACH OTHER .

You know what's always strange?

Surreal moments.

The greatest ones are when you realize something you already knew, but.. like, it's settling in. Y'know what I mean? You get comfortable with something, and then when it's all changing, you take a step back and take a breath and take a moment to gather your thoughts.

And then - just like that - it flashes right by you.

It doesn't feel like just yesterday when I walked through those double doors, practically intimidated by all the strangers, all the individuals who were larger than I, greater in numbers than I. I didn't anticipate that my path would go along the way it is. Take me down the lane of experiences, throw me into the bounties of people I would soon learn to cherish and guide me to the light at the end of the tunnel.

To say that I'm ready to take on the world would be both the truth and a full lie.

♫ All This Time ; OneRepublic ♪

The days when I listened to nothing but OneRepublic and Paramore were most certainly good times. And, incidentally enough, I think it was around Freshman Year when I was crazed over them. I mean, I still am, but my horizons have broadened.

Evidently not nearly enough, though.

"Freshman For A Day."

It's basically the experience wherein an individual is injected into a prospective learning institution and paired with a current student to feel the ebbs and flows, to see if they like the school or not.

I had quite the legend at Oratory; Jared Littlejohn.

To say he is the man is quite the understatement.

Well, I found no complaints with Oratory - I had been wearing khakis since my youth and being surrounded in an atmosphere of brotherhood and companionship would simply be carried over from both my family and middle schooling. Not to mention it was a great, arbitrary fail-safe.

Yep. You could just as easily call it an accident.

"Everything happens for a reason."

Well, I most certainly don't plan on recounting every waking moment in the last four years, but I can easily say that - from the first day I nearly shit myself of sheer nervousness to the last day where I was berating the clock for allowing another waking second pass by to end my career - it's been quite the adventure.

I... I really don't know what happened.

It's all gone by so fast; you and I both realize this, fellow Oratory Preparatory Graduate of 2012. We've shared our laughs, smiles, disappointments, struggles, and burdens alike to the finish line. Don't think that I've forgotten too many things, though.

Going through the Yearbook, which is pretty legit, might I say so myself - shout-out to Mrs. Gribbin and her awesome Yearbook henchmen for being amazing at what they do - I found a lot of good memories, a lot of faces that I wouldn't actually miss [ because I'd think about them nearly every day ] and the like. I went through most of the Senior Pages, and I couldn't help but smile at nearly every page.

Each one is a person. Each person is the son of two individuals. Each one of those sons have spent the years here at Oratory - be it two to the full six - and... Well, hell. You tell me.

What was your worst moment at Oratory?

Was it really that bad?

Well, keep that thought there.

What was your favorite moment at Oratory?

Can't think of just one, right?

Oratory's been our second home away from home. Say what you will, but for a batch of adolescents with raging hormones, irrational, developing minds and indignant personalities that make sparks fly, I think we turned out pretty amazing. If it weren't for the faculty and staff, I don't think any of us would be who we are today. We've each progressed in our own way or form - that is the one thing I admire about nearly everyone in our class.

In fact, if I had the roster of Seniors from the Class of 2012 in my lap right now, I'd be able to go down the list and relay my sentiments. Of course, I'm far too lazy to pull over the Yearbook that's within arm's reach.

If you're really that curious, you can ask me yourself. Hahah.

My friends, older and newer, I feel like I've developed great bonds, made great friendships and solidifying the fantastic memories - from Biology Class, Freshman Year to the simple luxuries of Senior Privileges.

It's a bittersweet moment for us, just like many others experiencing the same thing, having already experienced such or going to experience it all in their future - parting ways. After all we've been through, after all we've trudged through. The exams, the social buffers, the ice-breaking, earth-shattering, pivotal moments in our lives - all of it matters just as much as these moments of the weekend where we become official members of the Oratory Prep Rams Family.

Again.

I've been jamming out to this song. I want to just sing it. It may not hold the same significance to you as it does to me, but, trust me, if you sit long enough and think intensely so, you'll find something.

I'll be the first to admit, I wasn't overly fond of knowing everyone's name or of even speaking to a lot of people. But, that's life - things change, people change.

Even as we grow to be different people with different paths, don't let our bridges - quaking and craggy in our wake - completely crumble. Call up some help and go back to the good times, and patch up the holes. Or, better yet, knock it out and start anew.

You've got the rest of your life to make new friends and make amends with the old ones.

Let's see.

As I'm typing this, I'm wearing our Alumni sweatpants. They're somethin' else, huh? Kieran suggested that I should try them on, and now they're super warm - a bit too warm. But, I'll live. Hahah.

Ah! The Yearbook! Here it is.

It's called the Aries - like the Astrological sign.
Which is a Ram. Because our mascot's Stevie the Ram.
And, as an OP Ram, I think it's pretty important
that it is known
that we're the best.

This book is filled with tons of goodies. I didn't bother to scan it all, because you've all got your own, and if there are people who wanna check it out, I'll tote it around wherever.

It's so weird.
I'm trying to be insightful, but all I can say are these things that barely make any sense. Am I making sense? I hope I'm making sense. Whatever the case, I need to buckle down and actually get serious with this thing. Okay. I think I found something pretty good. Here we go.

It's my Senior Page.
I mean, I dislike the picture for plenty of reasons, but that's besides the point;
the content holds it all.

And I mean every single word of it.

I've had my own struggles with some of the guys, and it was the same group of individuals grinding my gears who made me feel like I had a reason to wake up every morning. It's funny, really - we're more like a family than we would admit to being. You know, I noticed something: there's a spectrum in our class - not just financially, ethnically, or what have you, but just a general spectrum.

There are cliques, as par standard high school order, but the spectrum I'm talking about is inclusive. It includes all of the fifty five [ right? ] of us in the class. It deals with our personalities, our backgrounds, our mindsets, and our futures.

If there's a generation of OP Alumni to do something for the world, I think we're the ones to pull it off.

There are so many strong leaders, so many intelligent guys that don't oft get recognition as much as the "elite" do, but there isn't a weak link in any aspect - each one of you is a great influence to me and who I've become, so I thank you for that.

And, of course, the atmosphere of Oratory wouldn't be what it is if it weren't for us. I don't know if it's the religious ambiance being instilled in the school and its body or simply the humble and selfless souls that have grown stronger. A batch of young men that are the embodiment of a bright future and great potential to promise the world.

The Program to the Baccalaureate Mass for Oratory Prep Class of 2012.

You know what I find funny?

I was thinking about a crap load of things to say for this entry while I was getting ready for the mass. And... none of them have yet to surface. I figured I'd end up forgetting about them anyhow, and I had this great idea to try and write the entry in the back of my Yearbook, but the dinner was too much of a delightful experience.

Selflessness. And St. Justin, the Martyr for Sunday.

I gotta look him up.

Wikipedia: Justin Marytr

Oh. I should have figured. His feast day is the first of June. Makes sense now.

Well, Oratory has not only made a name for itself in the academic and athletic departments, but its service to the less fortunate is something that I've found myself most in tune with. Seeing you guys, along with the younger students, out there helping people always makes me think if I were in their positions, I'd be insurmountably grateful to the school for raising awareness and encouraging such partnership. I know they may not seem like much to us when we're on the bus to or from, but for the people who have little and find it hard to keep their heads above the surface, I'm sure it makes the world of a difference.

I'm definitely going to miss you guys. As you go off to college and further your studies, I do hope you'll remember the things Oratory taught us, and having allowed them to be embedded within our memories, I think what Mr. Crum said about the Alumni Commandments could very well be feasible - going out and spreading the word of Oratory Prep and all.

These segways are horrible, but it's okay. I don't think any of you care anymore by now.

So, yeah. I definitely anticipate seeing a lot of your faces even after we're settled in other states. I look forward to catching up on the amazing things you've all done, hearing the crazy stories about your individual sojourns of your unique lives, and I'm proud of each and every one of you, just like our parents, families, friends, and Alma Mater are of us.

I keep hearing mention of Graduation being for someone in particular. Sure, it's for us, or it's mostly for our parents, but Graduation is inclusively ours - both yours and mine and theirs to experience together.

It doesn't take one person to make a Graduation and its processions what it is.

It takes an entire group of graduates - and, in our case, an entire group of young men with bright futures and blazing trails.

This is our high school graduation.

Our only one.

And this brings me to the aspect of our graduation wherein our religious teachings have instructed us - goaded us, more so - to act with the goodness in our hearts.

Our classmate, Robbie as he is affectionately called, is missing his High School graduation - missing our high school graduation. It's a sad thing, really; especially because I don't think there's a single person in our class who can bring themselves to say they dislike Robbie in any regard. Let our prayers be with him and his family in these hard times, because I don't think any of us would be as distraught as they are for the incidents to have lined up like this.

I was following along with the line of posts on his Facebook wall, and one of the ones that stuck out the most to me was Gerry's. All personal strings attached to the name, I respect Gerry for what he said.

"Hey kid.

Just wanna say that it really upsets me that you're not gonna be there with us tomorrow. You earned the right to walk up there and get that diploma.

It's been a great four years getting to laugh at your hilarious ridiculousness and awesome sense of humor and I can honesty say you would always brighten my mood when I was having a rough day. Hope you're doing alright and get better soon.

And if it's not too much trouble crack a smile when you read this, and maybe I can brighten your mood for once.

- Benign Lamb"

Robbie is a rather eccentric character, so his affection came in... strange nicknames.

As you can see, Gerry's is "Benign Lamb".

Regardless, the line that stuck out the most to me was " You earned the right to walk up there and get that diploma. " It doesn't help to think that it's the same with everyone else - everyone endured the five days a week, everyone did what they could to get where they are, where they wanted to be.


And to see the circumstances rip one of our own right out of our reaches, it's completely disheartening.


But, like one of my good friends, Tim Kelly said, "We take care of our OP Brothers. <3"


And I began to think about it.


And the symbiotic, complementary relationships we all have - despite the angst and drama that guys admittedly have - stay true to this setting of a Brotherhood.


Robbie, you're quite the character. It's indeed a shame that you're not going to be present when we're all either outside or inside, receiving our diplomas, relishing the bittersweet moments of another step in our lives with us. But, do know this - we've been thinking of you every step of the way. You're with us somehow, and that's half a step, I suppose. You can use the rest of your abstract mind to come up with a way to make sense of that and the rest of it all. If you're not feeling up to it, that's just as fine. I'll just use my recollection of all of your greatest moments - all of your Prime in Oratory - to my benefit. Like, perhaps, become a better writer by becoming as flexible as you permit yourself to be or become a better person by learning from the experiences we've had and will have. Regardless, don't lose sight of your goals.

If you really wanna rub Phillip Seymour Hoffman's stomach and blow out a candle while you're at it, I'll be the one to hold him down for you.


. . .


That sounded really wrong, but it's okay.

Everyone who's read his page would understand it. And that's all that matters.


I love you, Robbie. <3 Don't ever stop being yourself and don't hesitate to come and find me if you ever need anything. You already know all of the tedious, fine-line work is of no concern to me, so even if you just need to talk about anything ever, I'm your man.


I promise.


I'm honored to be able to consider all of you brothers of mine.


Especially with the exposed nerve I've got in regards to my very own family, brother in particular. You've all helped like I've been able to patch up this typical, maimed life I've somehow found myself in. Though, with each of us leaning on each other, I think it'll do better for us to carry on than to try and take a knee for a rest - we're an unstoppable force.

"So I'm straight in a straight line, running back to you."

All in all, it's been a rough four years filled with so many things that I don't want to start listing because I'm pretty sure they're not actually in there but we can pretend that they were and then the people reading this and not understanding anything [ probably including a lot of you ] will be very confused.


And let's keep it that way. =]

Congratulations, Oratory Preparatory Class of 2012.

"Know, Learn, and Serve" to "Prepare lives." 

" With Gratitude, we recall times past with friends;
With Joy, we celebrate this present moment with all we love;
With Hope, we anticipate the future with the entire world. "

"One by one."

Your brother <3

- Darin F. Earl, II
=]

 

It's all about * WHERE YOU GOIN` - no matter * WHERE YOU BEEN ;

~ I want to change the world.

"Let's make it happen tonight."

♪ Let's Go - Calvin Harris ft. Ne-Yo ♫

Well, it'd be magnificent if I could, like, lend a hand in absolving World Hunger, initiating World Peace, or something along those lines.

Wouldn't it?

Of course, that's a bit out of my reach at the moment. Naturally, my alternative is to do what I can to help make it a better place - for both you and me. I've always been looking to benefit others with my life. Not so much as become a martyr for anything or to completely put myself on my hands and knees to support someone else, but to help them with their perspective and get a better angle, a better light to illuminate the things they can't see.

Support doesn't always come from the right places all of the time, but if you're headed on the right track, everything will line up.

My mom tells me it's impossible, as any practical individual would. I never sought the words of imaginable conviction that would tell me that it would be simply attainable - changing the world or what have you. As a dejected individual, I would have taken that to heart and classify her practicality as berating and hold resentment in my heart for that. Of course, there isn't much of anything else she could have said that would have ensured to implant reality.

I've had quite the few amount of reality checks in my life.

I think I've got the gist of what I'm experiencing yet there are still so many surprises.

That's life.

It's Summertime over here, by the by! In case you haven't already told by the lively music blaring from the radios or from the hazy waves that waft from the asphalt off in the distance on these sunny days. With my prom weekend having already passed, I think this month in general has been a month of both disorientation and also orient about candor: a dual-pronged confusion and simplicity.

But, but, but, but!

Let's get back on track, shall we?

Funny thing is I've seemingly never finished anything what I wanted or what I've needed to. Of course, the obligatory assignments that are demanded from me are, most times, exceptions. But, when I've my personal resolve, it just seems like I have the ambition and intent, just lack the vigor.

It's important to set your sights on something that you know you can attain and are intent on pursuing fully. There may be times when the goal shifts its appearance or its designation or even its distance, but the resolve should maintain the same, and your character should only develop because of it.

I feel like I'm skirting about surfaces, only because this Friday is the beginning of a new kind of weekend for me.

It's not going to be just another weekend. It is our graduation weekend.

Our graduation weekend.

And, of course, there'll be ceremonies from Friday night into Saturday afternoon, so I'm not entirely sure of when I'll be able to get an entry in, but I'll try my best.

The best of four years rolled up into a pretty long night.

I think that's a good goal to settle for, right?

If I can't change the world, I can make my environment and those around me allocate to ameliorate everything around them.

"It's not about what you've done, it's about what you're doing.
It's all about where you going, no matter where you've been.

Let's go."

It's a step in the right direction, at least.

<3 ~ Monty.
=]

Young Homie - Chris Rene. ( Senior Prom 2012 ; Thursday, May 24th, 2012. <3 )

[[ but now , I`M LOOKIN AT -- these strange faces ; && i`m not comin . HOME }

♫ [ Foxes . Home ] ♪

You ever have one of those nights where you wake up in the middle of the night, go back to sleep, and then wake up again a few hours later? And a few hours after that? And you're not entirely sure of what's going on, but you're wary that your idle state of consciousness isn't anything worth stressing over? And then you wake up again, when you think you're supposed to, but it's not really when you need to wake up?

Yeah. That was Saturday.

The retreat from Friday ended on an amazing note.

But Saturday was even more powerful.

"Ten minutes before call," one of the guys who was familiar with the retreat staff announced. We'll acknowledge him as RO.

The morning was foggy - very much so. I could hear birds from the last time I woke - one of those sporadic instances of consciousness I had inquired of earlier - and it was relaxing, to say the least. The library was more of a cozy environment than I had expected - I suppose the same could have been said for the guys in there.

Because I had woken earlier than most, I got ready. And when I was ready, I just sat on my sleeping bag. 

Also, while I am writing this, a few people have popped in to converse; Alex recoiled from his link spammage to say hello, and My Garrett wants me to tell you all that he says "hi."

Very well, then.

So, I'm sitting on my sleeping bag, and I'm thinking. Just because it's a library and I wouldn't really get all that distracted; I didn't want to touch any of the books because I'd end up forgetting where I got them from. Plus I probably wouldn't manage to read them without maiming them in some shape or form.

With the dormant books were the dormant dorm-mates, I suppose you could call them.

RO came in and looked around, surveying the conscious. He warned us to cover our ears.

I did so.

I felt and heard the door slam shut; granted, I was the closest to the door. Regardless, it was quite the wake-up call.

If anyone's still tight about that wake-up call, you might want to get over it. It was RO, true, but it wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't like you were waking up to a tractor rolling over you or were having a splendid dream that was absolutely excruciating to leave.

That's why we have our imagination.

The last note for the morning is, "yaaay - day starts."

I suppose that must have been facetiousness inspired by the tendrils of emotion that were permeating the library with the woken beasts.

The speeches we had that day were pretty impressionable. Their themes revolved around Love, something that would come back to impact the entire day's experience.

But, before we did anything, we went and grabbed grub.

Best bagels I've had to date, most certainly.

I don't think there was a meal that we went without an AME. And they were all pretty ridiculous. Best part was that CT participated in them, along with RO, LI, and Mr. Rose.

There are "The Four Fs" when dealing with love - loving others, loving yourself.

• Freely

It's not an obligation; it should be merely by your personal incentive and desire to be with an individual. Not because of their looks, not because of their social circle, but because of what that person can do for you and what you can do for them - how you can exact a symbiotic relationship while also reflecting the love that we've experienced with our friends, family, and, namely, God.

• Fully

Nothing else should detract from this love. The connection should be as strong as can be, and it should involve every fiber of your being. Simple as that.

• Faithfully

Incorporating the aspect of faith seems to be a bit shaky for individuals, but this is not only biding in the love that it will stay true and whole, but that it will reflect the path that we are led to follow to love.

• Fruitfully

  As with most other things, production is usually preferred. Having something produced of this love - great edges brushing against outside influences for their betterment or producing a greater bond between the two in love or what have you; it is all innate in the criteria for love.

  
  We then migrated into the gymnasium, where we had done our icebreakers the night prior. Assembling into the lines of our small groups on the baseline. We were to watch CT as he explained a game to us. It was refreshing, to be in the gym, lively and excited for this game with ping pong balls and pitchers.
  
  Basically, we were supposed to toss the ping pong ball from a hula-hoop on the ground into the pitcher on the ground, as a relay.
  
  It was a bit more difficult than it sounded.
  
  When we first received the ping pong balls, we were instructed to write our sanctuaries on them - the things we do to escape the problems and challenges of the real world. Mine was generic - entertainment. Music, acting, writing - anything to get me thinking about something other than what's going on.
  
  Music was a popular one.
  
  When we had successfully tossed our first into the pitcher, the first individual was allowed to help and hold the pitchers so we could have a more convenient experience. My team should have been declared the winners, but it's whatever, really - the Plum Sloths will always win.
  
  When we were back in our lines, anticipating more excitement, we watched as CT collected our pitchers and rummaged through them. We learned of the anonymous sanctuaries and - while my eyes didn't tear from CT - he held us captive. His voice boomed in the open gymnasium.
  
  The small groups were about ten or so individuals, so ten ping pong balls wouldn't exactly fill up an entire pitcher.
  
  "Does it look full?"
  
  He called the sanctuaries voids.
  
  A vacuum of space - nothingness, emptiness.
  
  The voids we have attempt to fill that formless shape inside us - attempt to resolve whatever it is we are missing inside of us.
  
  He filled up a pitcher with another pitcher of ping pong balls.
  
  "Now is it filled?"
  
  Of course, ping pong balls will leave space between one another, so our answer was automatically a hesitant "no."
  
  He squinted, as if he were inspecting it. "Hmm, here's what I can do. I can get a bigger container - I need more voids!"
  
  And so he did so. Running to the bleachers, he plucked up a bowl and dumped the pitchers in as he pleased. The clattering of the ping pong balls retained the light ambiance of the game we once played, though the message CT was sending was starting to settle in.
  
  These voids wouldn't fill us.
  
  "Is it full now?"
  
  We watched him, shaking our heads.
  
  "No."
  
  He started to berate himself, declaring the need for more, and so he fetched the remaining pitchers of the other groups to pour them in as well.
  
  He grew frantic. He had proven his point, but now the desire to fill his void with more voids was immanent - he would have his way.
  
  And when he realized he couldn't, he turned to us.
  
  

  Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
  

  John 4:13-14.

  
  CT got the urge to fill it with water.
  
  He grabbed a 5-gallon bottle and lugged it over to the display, before us all.
  
  Over he tipped it. The sound of the water pouring into the bowl filled the room's silence, and we all watched the mess he made.
  
  Though, as each drop of water that went into the bowl did, the ping pong balls rose and eventually spilled out, as did the water.
  
  When the last ping pong ball fell out, I had followed the line of thought; CT hadn't recited the scripture just yet, but to provide a better understanding, it was presented for you to read and follow and such.
  
  All in all, we learned that we don't need these voids to try and fill us up, because it'll be a cyclical decline into wanted and needing more materialistic voids that could be seized from our capacities at any given moment.
  
  He kicked away the wet ping pong balls, threw them backwards in handfuls at a time, hollering of their uselessness and attacking what we had guarded ourselves so well with. He then ushered us back into the talk room, and I put my apple back on the tree.
  
  Oh, I forgot to mention. With LN's "In the Beginning" talk, the theme of the Garden of Eden had already been presented when we went from the darkness of the gymnasium, into the light of the talk room. The error was pinned with a metaphorical defiance against God, and so the gesture of removing the fruit from the apple was more... impenitent initially due to the ignorance and humility experienced.
  
  Replacing the apple was the gesture that would not absolve it all, but be the first step in the right direction, as Mr. Rose said.
  
  We would do this when a moment during the retreat sincerely would touch us and open our eyes in enlightenment.
  
  That was the moment I went to hook one of the apples back onto a branch.
  
  The next talk was from QL about family.
  
  She gained the most respect from me, although I rarely spoke to her any. But the things she's endured, the struggles she's had and the person she's evidently become to date is more than commendable; just like the rest of the retreat leaders, she's a trooper.
  
  Also, just had a very nice conversation with my friend, Leanna. Everyone say hello to Leanna! =D
  
  The vast majority of our Saturday afternoon was spent playing games. Like, running around the vicinity to play games and collect pieces of an anagram.
  
  With each group, however, an individual was assigned a handicap by the team's retreat leader; my handicap in particular was being mute. And, as we ventured to each place, we had to do one of the items on the list; we didn't get through all of the activities, but we got enough to figure out what the anagram was.
  
  
  "Today is the Day"
  
  
  Back into our small groups we were hustled, and we assembled our anagram without two letters. "H" and "A" were the ones we were missing. 
  
  
  But we had long since figured it out.
  
  
  We talked about the games as an entire group for a bit, figuring out what we learned from each game. It was a rough start, but soon enough we thought in respect to the retreat.
  
  
  Then we got a personal witness. Their life was basically the surreal "edge of existence and then pivot and salvation" - it was absolutely captivating. To think that an individual could go through all of that, and the reason for their existence hasn't morphed in the slightest. 
  
  
  Interestingly enough, when CT had mentioned that we were not in it alone - the communal aspect of faith - this witness account exemplified the other community present. 
  
  
  Those invisible hands, that unseen nudge - "the other community present."
  
  
  The evening was pulled into the talk room, wherein we found mirrors on the ground. We found a spot and did a nice little exercise. MK, as I will identify her, instructed us on what to do, and the prose she recited to us would instigate the thought processes and chain into our consciences. 
  
  
  It's basically what you would do every morning when you looked into the mirror if you stopped to stare at yourself for a good ten to fifteen minutes and just thought things. How you looked, how you felt about how you looked, how you felt about other people and how they think you look. All the buffs against our esteems and confidence that allows us to make room for a more valiant recovery.
  
  
  Into the small groups room we went, though we wouldn't chat it up just yet. We were to do the same thing we had with the mirrors - this time with a paper and marker.
  
  We were going to make timelines.
  
  Mine was pretty chaotic to say the least. The events that happened in our lives were all over the place in comparison to the prose, though the did bring back some memories that made me smile - good times. [ Coincidence or no? Refer to prior post for the mention of good times being in the past. ]
  
  We left them at our tables after talking about them, and made our way back into the talk room.
  
  Our next talks were of love versus lust and foundations. Earlier in the day, JN had spoken of his turmoil and turbulent years, the desires and the experiences that he endured. It actually caught me off guard, because he's so jovial and genial that he wouldn't seem like the type to have any inner demons.
  
  Perhaps because this was a thing of the past, and now, with Christ as his foundation, he can be as carefree and gleeful as he would allow himself.
  
  It was a really delightful thing to see him laugh the day after.
  
  A spirit that stays buoyant, even after the trials and tribulations that it endures is always an inspiring thing.
  
  Love and Lust were a tag-team by RN and CL.
  
  Interestingly enough, their "defects", going back to LN's key terms, were circumvent of confidence - self-image.
  
  How much they loved themselves.
  
  How much do you love yourself?
  
  Truthfully - do you let what others say about you change your entire outlook on life or does it bounce right off your chest?
  
  I'd like to brandish the fact that everyone is capable of standing strong and letting the world roll off their shoulders and into the palms of their hands.
  
  All it takes is a deep breath.
  
  After another round of small talks with the Plum Sloths, we were invited to grub it up.
  
  I'd pan to the end of the night, where the most impressive part of this entire weekend came into play, but where would the fun be in that?
  
  Besides, now that I'm out of school, I've got all the time in the world to type these up.
  
  So, keep your eyes peeled!
  
  4/21/2012 - Part one.
  
  <3 ~ Monty.
  =]

`` But I do it for the kids { LIFE threw the towel in on . . . . Everytime you fall it`s only making YOURCHINSTRONG ; ~

"It's funny that when we was kids they always asked us what we want to be when we grow up. S.M.H. Look where we at now. Did you live up to your dream?"

I've been in a rut. I could write about anything in the world, but I still wouldn't be able to escape the things I think I'm running away from. Life - it's a challenge, it's tough and it's, by no means, an easy experience.

But, I'll be honest - there are two things that make me genuinely happy. Well, there are plenty of things that make me genuinely happy, but these two in particular are noteworthy:

Baby pictures and memories.

That quote's from a friend of one of my elder siblings who I rarely speak to but am fortunate enough to have crossed paths with. Not for any particular in reason other than that they are a person and I've learned from them - hopefully I've also impacted their life beneficially.

Are you in love with this song yet?

Ryan Tedder's probably one of my musical heroes. His voice just makes you feel valiant, the swelling vibrato of the chorus invigorates you after each sweeping verse. Travy McCoy did well to pop up on my YouTube suggestions with an acoustic version of this song. That, along with this cutscene from a recently highlighted game that Alex has embedded an interest within me of, has risen me out of this rut.

I'm harassing Alex for the link to it right now.

The whole thing's the message, but around 3:00 - 3:20 is what hit me.

Evidently enough, it was when my brother was playing the game in the basement, and I was sitting with him, on my computer, listening to live acoustics.

It gave me this nice little tingly feeling - you know, that one you get when you know you're not doing everything wrong and the whole world's not actually against you.

Yeah, that one.

Baby pictures are self-explanatory. Some think it odd, while others detest babies - though, I think a candid of anyone as an infant shows the humility and mutual original. It shows the connection no one cares to acknowledge anymore - we were all once young, all young and innocent. Unaware of the world around us, open and willing to learn.

Now we know what we know - finite, definite, final. No one can tell us a thing to sway our thoughts, our convictions - our beliefs.

When our legs were shorter than the torso they carried, when we laughed with a few teeth missing from our mouth and nearly snorted milk from our noses - when we raised our hands eagerly to answer a question in class, or even to ask about something completely irrelevant to the current topic with just as much energy: there were once times when, regardless of where we were, we were all the same.

Our families may have been different, but you were a child with some kind of story. But, even before you were able to understand you had a story, there were people who looked after you, and you didn't have a care in the world.

You hadn't been introduced to hate or disgust, shielded from weakness and sickness.

Baby pictures. They make others think of us as precious keepsakes, even if for only a moment.

How can you be mad at that face? =D
[ that's me, by the by. ;D sexy face? i think soooo~ ]

Baby pictures actually inflict me forever after. Haha. I normally adore people, and when I see them as infants, I almost coo of the cute. But that's besides the point.

Our greater times, as it is apparently human nature, reside in the past. What we're enduring now is simply turbulent only because we're uncertain of what's to happen. There's an objective we're looking to reach, to complete, to attain and, with each curve and bend life throws at us, it pushes us further and further away. It rises buildings and mountains that scrape at the skies, making us feel insignificant and leading us to believe that we're nothing more than nothing - its pure essence.

I'd say that life does the exact opposite.

It's all perspective.

That propulsion away from your goal?

Think of it as a shortcut.

I said that to my inadvertent companion, and they replied: "Yeah, a pretty long one."

Well, nothing's ever as easy as we want it to be. It's better to be satisfied doing a lot of hard work than to be miserable waiting for the next task to pass by. Makes sense, right?

Well, if you've gathered a message from this, let me know what it is.

It's the tenth day of May, and I've yet to settle on a word for Month by Month. I've been up and down on this roller coaster and I've thought many times that I've had enough. Just as many times as I've reached my limits, life's proved to me that I've got what it takes.

"Oh, I get it - it's here to show you the way. To show you that you've got what it takes to get back on your feet and do this thing!"

- Fang, FFXIII.

You know, you'd have to play the game - legitimately sit and play the game [ or have someone as amazing as Alex tell you all about it, because I'm sure no simple walkthrough will do nearly as good a job as he ] - to understand each character dynamic and understand the ups and downs of the story.

Regardless of biases or prejudices, the message lies within the message and simply nothing more. As with the song, let's take another listen through, shall we?

What's your purpose in life? I know I've asked this before, and it's been all over the place as we try to figure out who we are, but if we just sit for a good thirty seconds and stare at one solid surface while we listen to this song, maybe we'll get a nudge in the right direction.

Do you think maybe it's a lot bigger than just today or tomorrow?

What about all of the memories you have - the bridges you've built and the promises you've made?

They're worth sprinting it to the finish line, aren't they?

Aren't they?

FIGHTER - Gym Class Heroes ft. Ryan Tedder

Just waking up in the morning
And to be well,
Quite honest with ya,
I ain't really sleep well
Ya ever feel like your train of thought's been derailed?
That's when you press on - Lee nails
Half the population's just waitin to see me fail
Yeah right, you're better off trying to freeze hell
Some of us do it for the females
And others do it for the retail

But I do it for the kids, life threw the towel in on
Everytime you fall it's only making your chin strong
And I'll be in your corner like mick, baby, til the end
Or when you hear a song from that big lady

[Bridge]
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

[Chorus - Ryan Tedder]
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say of me, say of me, say of me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one's a fighter

[Verse 2]
And if I can last thirty rounds
There's no reason you should ever have your head down
Six foot five, two hundred and twenty pounds
Hailing from rock bottom, loserville, nothing town

Text book version of a kid going nowhere fast
And now I'm yelling "kiss my ass"
It's gonna take a couple right hooks, a few left jabs
For you to recognize you really ain't got it bad

[Bridge]
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

[Chorus - Ryan Tedder]
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say of me, say of me, say of me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one's a fighter

Everybody put yo hands up
What we gonna do? [x7] ya'll

If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
And when your bones can't take no more (c'mon)
Just remember what you're here for
Cuz I know Imma damn sure

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say of me, say of me, say of me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one's a fighter

'Til the referee rings the bell
'Til both ya eyes start to swell
'Til the crowd goes home,
What we gonna do kid?

I never realized that was what he was saying, for the line in the title of this entry.
Every time I hear it now, it makes me want to cry - but I'm still happy. <3
Because that's exactly what I'm here for.

Oh, and by the way: don't look back at your life like you've done anything and everything wrong. "Everything in life happens for a reason", and your life isn't even close to being over - keep your chin up and keep following wherever it is your heart leads. You're only lost if you let yourself lose sight of the right guide - yourself.

<3 ~ Monty.
=]