we . never . change ; do we ?

Ah!

It's another new year! It's another new moment in another new day of our lives.

Coldplay - "We Never Change"

People are partying, people are sleeping, people are hugging, kissing, walking through doors, and even just lounging on their hinds. People are making a myriad of resolutions, some repeating, some fresh and new; people are making promises and reinventing themselves to what they think is right, what they think they need.

res·o·lu·tion      [rez-uh-loo-shuh n]

noun

1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.

2. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

3. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

4. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

5. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.

Makes sense that if it's based on one's will, determination, and focus, that it needs to be made annually.

Mine is to be me. All the qualities that I believe I embody, that I need to exercise, that I need to portray and become in order to be the person I want to be.

Simple things like honesty, passion, understanding, courage, strength, humility, and so forth. It sounds like both a facile and arduous resolution, but there'll be a happy medium that I manage to  walk along, I'm sure.

There's a promise to just about every person I've made that involves me waking up every morning. I shall make the most of each and every morning, and thank at least two people as frequently in the morning as I'm capable for giving me the reasons that I wake up each day. I'll try my best to give each day my all, for I would expect no less from anyone else in my position.

I want a better focus, a better intent to my efforts. A better outcome of my projects and better relationships of my communications. I'll work to be the better me with the help of strangers, friends and family.

I'll show the world my worth.

I'll show it to myself.

Happy New Year to you all. Hope you have a safe and blessed year and many more to come.

<3 ~ Monty.
=]

The holly, jolly spirit.

Christmas is never over ~

Merry sentiments and happy tidings~! 

Happy holidays!

=]

`` i don`t want to fall [ fall ] fall { F A L L } :: a s l e e p . . . . . ``

Chris Brown - "Don't Wake Me Up"

- A b s o l u t i o n .

I feel strange.

I've been talking with friends, more so than normal, about certain topics. Some specific and some pertaining to broader subjects, but all relating back to me in some manner.

One thing I found particularly intriguing about myself is that I never could kindle some sort of sentiment for people. I mean, I'd say I'd miss someone or remember them, and I'd know it was true or that my expression changed from the compulsive focus, but I never felt the warm fuzziness in my heart for everyone. Granted, I have different relationships for each of my friends, and some memories I hold more fond than others... But.. I just find it weird that there isn't a baseline pinch in my gut or tickle in my feet when I say I miss someone.

I recently have been speaking with one of my good friends who is going through some hardships in their lives. Of course, everyone's going through a rough patch here or there, but this individual's got me snared by the brain: I usually know what to say or how to say it, but when they rattled off their concerns, their issues and inner musings to me, they left me dumbfounded.

They already knew and stated all the things I needed to say. And, to say the least, it makes me feel useless.

But it's a good learning experience.

This song came on Spotify one day, and I actually wasn't intending to develop any ties to it. But it wafted right in front of my face, and I thought I could do something nice and raw with it, so I'm going to look into it. Then I put it on InfiniteLooper and I transcribed the lyrics.

I stared at them and reveled in the defrosting epiphany that I didn't need to force any sort of sentiment ever.

There are certain people who grip my nerves, my heart and my mind better than others. Some are aware while others most certainly have no clue. And my invulnerability to that vulnerability has always been to turn a cold shoulder - and, in turn, freezing over my internal fire and the epiphany that glows with it.

My friend also admitted how much fear factored into their concerns and dilemma. What they were afraid of being capable of and what they would do if worst came to worst.

I gave my twopence, that it would never have to get that bad, that they would never have to stoop that low, but then I realized myself just how basic the human needs are.

And the conditions people live in to meet those needs sometimes never even phase me.

This is something I haven't finished exploring yet, how to face this dilemma, and even though I can shine as much light as I can reflect onto the dark spots, there are always corners where my light won't reach - always things I won't know entirely. But it's okay, because no matter what comes my way, there's always a way around it.

I missed my good friends from home. It's good to see them ago. It's good to come back home and see they're good and well and that they're having as much fun with their lives. That they're not suffering or that they're not becoming people I never knew.

I miss the people I never got to know as well as I probably wanted to.

I miss the people who make me feel special and the people who make me feel lesser than myself. I  miss the things that used to be and the things that could have been.

But when all things reconvene, when I see things fall into place, I'll remember what it was like to find those feelings, those sentiments.

But for now, we'll play it by ear.

And play the cards in my hand I know can get me to the next round.

Well. Friends are back, and we're going to hang out.

<3 ~ Monty.
=]

`` the war is over . . . . ~

The Dance Within The Music: "The summary of a sad, happy girl."

"Recovery"

We need sleep.

We get up every morning and look for some sort of change to our lives. But, each day, we power through it all, expending the energy we take from outside into our bodies and needing to start it all over again.

We lay down our heads and close our eyes, escaping to a land where we don't look for anything, where we don't expect anything and where we can't discover anything.

Because everything we want and need is already inside of us.

Innate, the best traits are. A smile, a mind, a heart and a soul comes along with your delivery. Storage space goes for all the other materials that didn't play a crucial part in your manufacturing.

Best part?

They don't expire as long as you need them.

"Recovery"

We need reminders. We need things to tell us notions, phrases, words, topics, ideas that we already know, that we already understand and fully comprehend. Though, as if it goes without mention, we all expect one another to fully oblige and declare that it is all new-found information.

We battle through each day, expecting these perks to amplify our day. The greatness of our imagination spurns our desires from reality, leading it into something that we, ourselves, never once imagined, but what an outside force has influenced for us to believe is par custom - is part of our innate traits.

We're equipped with an endless surplus of love, of hate - of knowledge, of ignorance. Only when catastrophic events strike do we convince ourselves that any damage is irreparable. However, there are miracles, and miracles don't happen without an ounce of hope.

Without an ounce of hope.

 One of my good friends wrote this passage. They then confronted me to produce advice, to produce some sort of response that would appease them and give the girl in the story some sort of direction.

To you, sad, happy girls and boys, I say just be.

It's hard to find your identity as it is. It's so difficult to endure the years of schooling, the expectations, the slandering, the dramatic displays, the personal falters and even the massive mysteries that inflict the grander scheme of things.

Why would you want to drag yourself even deeper into the depths of the abyss?

I always say there's only up from here. However, receding into a ball or on all fours, completely humiliated and stripped of all respect is a bit lower than the starting point.

But, think about it this way: who doesn't fall to their knees every once in a while?

The passage presents a girl with some turmoil, with a struggle that she seemingly cannot resolve with any inner enlightenment or outer instruction. Advice is only as good as you make it to be, though sometimes reiteration assists in a different angle of things.

The best thing to do is to appreciate it.

Appreciate the place you're in, how disgusting you feel, how horrible your life seems to be, and how abhorrent you seem to yourself. Don't go so far as to make yourself pathetic, because you most certainly are not.

Y o u       a r e      h u m a n .

By appreciating this standpoint, this level which is evidently lower than the rest, you'll find something that makes you unique - like the ineptitude to breathe properly when touching the surface of an awry texture - and which will single you out from the rest of the crowd. Then rediscover your allies, your friends, your family and emphasize your adoration for them.

They wake up every day, they rise from their bed every morning, knowing full and well that their run in the end is not going to be everlasting in this realm, but that the deeds they do and the vibes they send are all that matter.

"I want to become educated to get a job."

"I want to attain a job so I can have wealth."

"I want wealth so I can live."

"I want to live because I need to live."

There are struggles that come in all shapes and sizes, and while we may not be able to catch them at first - while they may knock the wind from our lungs on impact or send us staggering back - remember that we're meant to stand upright.

That we're meant to stand up right.

Appreciate and aspire.

Recover.


<3 ~ Monty.
=]

N O W . m y . { feet WON`TTOUCHTHE ________ g r o u n d : ]

Coldplay - Now My Feet Won't Touch The Ground

It's the fourth Thursday of the eleventh month in America. Everyone knows it as Thanksgiving, and in elementary schools, they are told valiantly of pilgrims and turkeys and something or the other involving the Native Americans. All of the nice stuff. Charlie Brown's holiday specials start up and an impressively massive parade is held in the heart of New York City. Turkeys, geese, hogs and cows are slathered with enticing broth and surrounded in a sea of sustenance no one would ever dare to prepare for any other occasion.

Thanksgiving.

We learned it as a time of giving thanks, a preparation for the following, holiday season. It's a trigger to something we should already be alert and exercising.

I could find a plethora of things to complain about. I could find the misery in everything, and I could let it defeat me just as easily as it is working upon those around me, but there would be no point to it all. If I intended to drive my face into the dirt after every time I was forced back onto my own, two feet, I would merely destroy myself until I had shattered into pieces.

It's a vice that any human, especially within my generation, can intentionally or unintentionally abuse. We shouldn't gather around a table with people we haven't spoken to in months or even years, pretend to make amends, and then resume the year-long grudge or negligence. Losing touch is common, but there's a lot of energy and effort put into trying to make sure someone else knows that you detest them or that everyone should know how difficult your means of existence is.

It takes a while and it's a rough journey, but if there are things you most certainly are thankful for, the Tree of Life will turn up its leaves, despite the season of Autumn, and lessen the harsh rays of sun on your eyes; and shield you from the downpour of rain; and buffet the chilly winds of the sky, and be your stable support to get back on your feet.

You'll find your feet underneath you again.

Life is an interesting thing, isn't it? We always make it much bigger than us, always put it out of our own control, because we believe it is. But there are the variables that jar our social orders, that maim our perceptions of Life - the bad things make us think ill of Life and the good make us believe well of Life. All in all, our decisions, our opportunities, and our interactions determine what kind of Life becomes attracted to us.

Just as fascinating is the notion that there are individuals who are existing, thriving heartily through conditions we, as thankful, able Americans, could never imagine. Harsher politics, disgusting poverty, permanent handicaps - unfathomable to nearly all of my friends, I'm sure.

I occasionally imagine the life of a deaf, blind, or mute individual. I admire those physically handicapped and revere those mentally handicapped. They endure more judgement than they should ever deserve in their lives, only because it is in a form amplified from the judgement people cast at one another. I admittedly resolve that if I could trade places with a blind person to let them see, or with a deaf person to let them hear, or with a mute person to let them speak, I most certainly would.

But we complain at the newest piece of technology that is on the television that we urgently might need, that our current piece of communicating is obsolete and that everything in our immediate vicinity is against us. It's an honest truth that teenagers would rarely admit as much as they'd acknowledge it. Adults, on the other hand, find their issues within the communication between another individual or even with the obligations expected of them.

I do not have the answer to every dilemma - never have, never will - but there are ideals that may be better and beneficial than our current approach.

I am thankful that I am me.

I am thankful for all of the individuals in my life; the people who I've met once, the people who I see everyday, the people I've known for a week, and the people I've known for my lifetime. Each and every one, no matter the degree or angle of our interaction, helped mold me into who I am today. I always anticipate returning the favor to some degree, though there is only so much I can do for everyone else.

I am thankful for my family. Making everything in my life as difficult as it never should need to be, stretching me as thin as I should never dare - they have prepared me and rounded me into a human being who is willing and acceptable and great. Grateful, even.

I am thankful for my friends. I have different associations, a different relationship with each one, and I would never trade anything in the world for it. Unless I was then capable of making it even better for my friend.

I am thankful for my life. My capabilities, my talents, my flaws, my mind, my heart, my body, my soul. My personality, my features, my favorites, my interests. My home, my neighborhood, my neighbors, my schoolings, my path. My instructors, my associates, my past/present/future experiences.

I am thankful for being here each day. For being able to show my worth to those who will either appreciate it or fuel even more of a resolve and gain my respect with it. For having people on either side of me, behind me, and before me - for having a purpose and having a destination.

I am thankful for being able to complain. I am thankful for being able to distract myself from the task at hand. I am thankful for being able to lose my focus. I am thankful for being able to fall down on my knees and for being able to weep when I lose all my wits about me. I am thankful for being able to fight without weapons, for being able to make peace without words.

I am thankful for being greater than all the things I own.

I am thankful for being my mother's man and my father's son - for being my brothers' brother and my sisters' sibling - for being my cousins' cousin and my aunts and uncles' nephew - for being my grandparents' grandson and for being my nephew's uncle.

I am thankful that I am me, indeed, every day of my life.

I am thankful for you and who you are, for without you, the world - this Life - would be missing a crucial component.

I am thankful that I am me, indeed, for I would never rather be anyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving, world. Let's be thankful for more than just the things we can count on our fingers or name around the room - or just name, in general.

Thank you. =]
<3 ~ Monty.

where we are [ where we are ] where we are ; can you chase . . . this fire away ? { where we . . . .

Of Monsters and Men - "Lakehouse" 

Brown.

Everything's okay. Everything seems to be okay.

I just...

Orange.

I don't think anything's the matter. I don't see any issues with anything.

Yellow.

Because I know everything will always be alright, I won't believe that anything is out of the ordinary. 

Gray.

My chest is tight.

Green.

My bed is comforting. It is the leverage from the

Red

of this space. The tension, the raw fury that bounces off these

White

walls. They echo to the 

Black

windows, pleading with all the laws of physics to find their way out - to guide them to a

Blue

escape. Out there, there is solace. Albeit, chaotic sorts, but certainly with lesser judgment than pertaining to the confines of this paling fusion of

White

and

Silver.

Without colors, it'd lead us down the same corridor - our eyes - for they would not be able to distinguish the

Orange

cones in the street, or the

Yellow

tape. Big,

Black,

bold letters stretch across the face of the tape. One side faces away,

Charcoal

in the opaque tint of

Yellow.

Flashes of

Red

and

White

reach my

Brown

eyes, which look like

Black

when I see my reflection from the screen. It is a radiant, unyielding panel of

White

and 

Silver

with blots of 

Orange

to appease and distract. And through blurry eyes, clear of any hues, a smile as bright as the gleaming,

Yellow

sun, high in the sky - on the other side of the planet - stares right back at me.

Brown.

It gives me stability. It gives me assurance. Everything may not be as clean in the earth, but it is there for me to rely upon. It may not be a beneficial upstanding to my poise and the

Golden

eggs that I pray to lay, but from the rich hue of brilliant

Green

and

Purple

which strikes a chord of compliance and comfort from my own, beating

Red

heart, to another, frosty with icy,

Turquoise

veins and sickly,

Lime

arteries which pump Greed and Avarice -

Confusion and Arrogance,

Ignorance and Pride -

the music that leaps from

Green

and

Purple

to

Turquoise

and

Lime

blend into a richer, earthy color.

It may not be the shade I'm looking for, but

Brown

is what I'll get. 

And it's what I'll get.

<3 ~ Monty.

=]

the lactose intolerant appreciate the lactose indulgent ; o o 2 ]

Ear Milk.

Thank you my good buddy, Kieran Windorf for sharing this with me.

Check it out and let me know what you guys think of it! I'm going to sift through it for the first time while writing this. Let's see how it goes.

-

I have a lot to do.

I have too much to do, actually.

And I'ven't enough resolve to sit down and, at the very least, make a list.

Be it from the day, or even from the past week or so, things in life haven't really gotten in the way as much as they've turned things "topsy-turvy."

Let's start small, shall we?

I've got school work to hammer out. It's simple: get it done, and it won't be much of any obstacle, right? Right. Okay. I'll convince myself to do that once I'm done writing this.

Next is the fact that I have to write. It's a little cold in my room, and I've got to make sure I'm not completely exhausted after this work - not like it's anything really that bad, anyway. I have to write for NaNoWriMo, and for those who are as enamored with writing as I, they will recognize the noun as a rather colossal event. I think I've mentioned it before in a past entry - maybe not - but the point is to basically write a book in a month. About fifty- or sixty-thousand words within the span of November, thirty days. It's challenging a bit, but what's writing without a challenge, right?

I've been stumbling about trying to center myself as of recent. I also saw that one of the faculty members at my old school has been enduring some pretty substantial trials. She's very much the backbone of that school, and to hear her struggle is even worse not being able to see her every day and offer her whatever encouragement there is to offer. Thankfully, the issue's been remedied, and if you'd be so kind as to just send out good vibes to Mrs. Mahan and her family, it'd be greatly appreciated. =]

Centering myself coincides with that because I look to others for strength, more often than not. And a classmate of mine [ who's practically a stranger D; ] reminded the entirety of persons who are capable of viewing what he said that people don't believe in their selves anymore. And that kind of ticks off the box from last entry wherein I spoke of my instructor reminding us that it's not about her - it's about us.

I recently started envisioning colors with closed eyes to see if it makes the connections to what I need when I'm preparing myself for anything emotionally taxing in a performance. It's kind of a... "testing the waters" approach, since I don't really know what works all the time. "Triggers", things that obviously instigate some sort of reaction, haven't really clicked for me yet. But in a sequence of colors, I found symbolism of what I need [ or what I think I need ] before I approach anything. Maybe it'll help you too, maybe it won't.

You won't know until you try.

Blue. A deep blue to calm or a light blue to soothe. It flushes out everything else and leaves nothing but the black of your covering eyelids and the blue that you're imagining. Hold it until there's nothing else.

Green. It's like the color of grass. Whether the blue is gone or stays, green highlights the surroundings. It produces the area you're in and initially produces a feeling for the outdoors, but whatever you need, you can create - it's as simple as that.

Red. It's what I need the most, and probably why it's in the midst of the five colors. To me, its connotation is coupled with passion and drive. I need to draw more from myself to get through whatever the roadblock is. Writing, acting, singing, conversing, etc. It'll produce an initial emotional instability for me because I'll try to let open all of the floodgates, but then close the ones I need the most and focus on them. If I waste what I need, what's the point?

Yellow. Yellow's like electricity. I think of it as raw energy. It gets me bouncing on my toes. It gets me where I need to be and at the level I need to be. Energy's always good, and I like to think that I can make my own, so using those already-opened floodgates, I can redirect energy, emotion and focuses into whatever I intend to. It's like a good pep-talk before a good game, or the rebound of success after eons of failure lined back-to-back-to-back. It takes a bit longer to prep than I've been giving myself time for, but it serves its purpose.

Purple. Purple's a color of sexuality. Everyone has a sexuality, and so it can apply to anyone. I use it for character. Just because any actor can fit a role doesn't mean they fit the character. And I need to start doing more research on how to approach things - everyone says using the character's personality and choices and behaving like them will help relate to the character. However, I find that impersonating anything that isn't one of my own, personal muses / characters is pretty ineffective. I'll use an approach like anyone else: find someone or something I can relate to and plug it in. Simple enough, right?

Now the painting's of a red house by a river or lake with the bright sun shining high in the cloudless sky with a purple car. Or something like that. Point is, if you need to find colors or do it for yourself in order for it to help you out, by all means. I'm not patenting this because I'm sure other people have found it helpful too.

If anything else, it's a good meditation tactic, I guess. To each their own.

Next, there's the uproar of the destruction done by Hurricane Sandy. I'm sure you've all heard of the news on Sandy, but for those who were out of the hurricane's demolition range, it was pretty bad, overall. I haven't done my research, but from my traversing up and down the state and communications with friends littered about it gave me some sort of idea.

Not to mention the plethora of images that are circulating the interwebs.

What's weird is that everyone's complaining about it.

I was at my father's house for the brunt of it. It's not exactly a fortress of steel, and there have been minimal renovations and upgrades done on it, so I'm amazed it was untouched for the most part. The area around it all wasn't too tip-top, but it definitely hadn't been the worst. The same thing went for my mother's home: the worst was the backyard, which had a few branches from our apple tree littered about and more dead leaves than blades of grass. Both households lost power. That rendered my father's household idle and forced to interact for the majority of it.

We played cards by a candle in a pot on a crate and cracked jokes at each other.

Families know how to make the best of a worst condition.

I went to my mother's for the day I was coming back down to school, and since the household has fewer members, things weren't much of any different. My mother and my younger brother and our dog were present and excited to see me well and in one piece.

I was pleased to see them as well.

Just down the street, one of my brother's friend's family's tree [ so many possessive nouns - basically, the tree ] had been uprooted by the ferocious winds and collapsed onto one of their vehicles.

It probably sounds really bad to say, but all we do is complain.

I've only seen a handful of status updates saying how things are going that are positive and upbeat after surviving such a gruesome natural disaster. I may not know everyone who was effected by it, but I'm sure they'd rather their lives than losing their phone for a week, not getting paid for a week, or even lighting in their houses when there are people whose homes were probably emaciated by water damage or something.

It may be extreme, but I like to think this as a humbling experience.

We rely on everything that we can't control, and it's really bad. Technology is an invention of man, surely, but it's gotten to the point where we let it control and construct our lives. Not that it's a bad thing entirely, because we've done great things with technology, but intelligently utilizing what we have for progression is probably an innate characteristic that not too many people wish to exercise.

It's so much easier to face someone through a text, to evade a conversation by deleting a message or humiliate a stranger by belaying an image.

Sandy was a force to be reckoned with, and it's not like we never get hurricanes on Planet Earth.

It takes more than one person to pull the weight of an entire race. If we took care of things - namely our planet and its resources, probably - the way we're supposed to, I'm sure we'd be able to endure things better. Natural disasters bring out the best in even the worst people: humility, understanding, sympathy and compassion. Not everyone, but certainly more than none.

I'm sorry to all of those who may have been afflicted by the storm even greater and best wishes go out to all of those who are struggling to thrive presently - even those not effected by the storm in the slightest.

Via Tumblr.

It's something we'll need to work on, and me just saying it over and over and never exercising it isn't going to change much of anything.

I feel like this is a pretty hefty pro-active entry, but I also feel like I'm making a lot of sense. Agree or disagree, we're way past the point where we can kind of just sit down and mull it over for a bit longer.

The little things count. Start small and work bigger.

Don't end it.

Continue it.

<3 ~ Monty.
=]