It's the Fourth of July, America's Independence Day, "Independence from Meat Day" [ according to DaysoftheYear.Com ] and the day my muse decided to pay me a visit.
There's a heap of yarn strings, readied to be prepped for wig-making, the box of tissues they're going into.
I'm listening to an amalgamation of wonderful, thought-evoking sounds:
A favorite veteran, RainyMood soothes my scattered thoughts with some stream-like distance.
A greatly-appreciated partner to the music I am introduced to, InfiniteLooper plays "Atlantic" by Givers, a group introduced to me by one of my dear friends, Soraya [ I called her "Inspi" simply because her username's much more apt. ]
"Atlantic ( Acoustic )" - Givers
We were just panicking, trying to recall the website that we experienced together, which I found very interesting. I don't remember who showed it to me, but thank you to whoever did:
Check out your birthday here: You're Getting Old [ It's really freaky and super awesome, share it with your friends, too! ]
Lastly, an intricate detail that somehow ties it all together: Coffitivity. [ "Lunchtime Lounge" is my particular favorite. ]
Next to me are my pillows and my two boys: Domon and his younger brother Memo Jr., who was a Christmas present from the love of my life.
There's a binder with my audition music in it and a coverless George Orwell's 1984 [ whose date I can never get right nor whose contents I can never stomach enough to commit to reading. ] Beneath it is a file folder, marked "Completed Surveys" that I need to tend to for my mom.
My phone is face down. My room is newly decorated with images from a Disney calendar that I hung in my dorm with my best pal of a roommate, Igor, and from a dog calendar my mom bought me for my room from last summer.
The latest addition to the stuffed animal family on my couch - large, plump and orange - appears to fit in remarkably well, with her simple bill and bulging, blue eyes: Cock.
My brother was doing crunches earlier, but has succumbed to his fatigue and has been laying under his top sheet, idly focusing to his Nintendo 2DS.
My participation contract for CATS is sticking out of all the papers I have stacked to my right, and my SAT Prep book is waiting for me to commit to sharpening my mind with its contents.
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I don't know what it was that, of all days this year, convinced me to sit down and open this, as if I had nothing else to do, but when I thought about trying to write something for today, everything in my body eased and complied.
It was just... nicely complacent.
Well, it's been a while and I sincerely apologize. I feel like I've lost my way, like I don't know what it is that I'm doing because I've been so busy on my feet, trying to orient myself with my own judgment rather than sticking to the regiment I was always abiding by and writing out my thoughts. Eventually, things melded together in the frenzy that was my life, then took a dramatic slow and eventually brought itself to a steady pace.
Because it's left me in its wake, I don't know how to handle my life.
But I've got some ideas and I'm going to try them out.
I opened this, expecting nothing, but when I saw the statistics of the page, I was surprised to find that there were about 35 views during last month and five from this week: I haven't written anything substantial for months and the fact that even anyone is stumbling across this or even bothering to pay attention to this, for whatever reason, strikes me.
I'm humbled and so excited at the same time.
Here's the thing.
It's JULY. I've been trying to stick to that recipe to become a better person that I told you guys about? It was a hypothetical project, but what better results to prove than to do it myself. I've been trying to convince myself that each month has yielded some sort of semblance to what I've been intending to do, though it's never truthfully intentional.
I've reached a point in my life where I am surrounded with so many people who love me and so many blessings that I'm beginning to take it for granted. This is something that most certainly cannot happen. I owe it to every individual I've encountered to be completely honest with them, and this is a promise that I not only made to the man I fell in love with, Edgar [ for those of you who didn't already know or had some clues but didn't know the full story, ] as well as all the other people in the world I have met, am still meeting and will meet in the future. You know how this goes.
When I looked at the blog the other day, just to keep my mind open for mentioning July's intentions if and only if I got around to an entry, I noticed something:
7. Stir steadily with an instrument of action. Do, don't think upon everything. Get out of your comfort zone for a few days or weeks or months and try something new that will not only make you feel alive and well, but will also bring you good karma and prosperity.
"An instrument of action."
I've been coasting for so long in my life, always doing things half-effort and with little acknowledgment of the repercussions or anything like that. When I talk to people about this, they're consoling me with sentiments of compassion and understanding, assuring me that I'm being too hard on myself. But, I'm only being honest because it doesn't feel as genuine as I know it could feel - as I've known it felt before.
I'm repairing things with my family, first and foremost. I've told most of them what I need them what I feel like they need to know in order for me to feel fully comfortable around them - the others will come in time and with a learning experience. Most notably, I've discussed many things with my mom, many-a-time, and I'm making the personal resolution to try and mend our relationship, if not start a new one altogether. This is certainly out of my comfort zone, considering anyone who's anyone knows about how I am with my family.
Essentially, my friends are my effective family. I learned how to deal with people from my relatives, though I never learned how to love my relatives unconditionally because I was always operating, instead of living.
"Good karma and prosperity."
This is something that I swear by - everything that I do is always in the best interest of bringing good to other people or occasionally to myself. I'm learning a lot from not only being in a relationship but from the person with whom I'm in the relationship. He's got a lot of things to learn, he's told me, and I'm always assuring him that "as long as you give me your bad, I'll give you all of my good."
And because I just convert all my personal "bad" into "good," I guess that's the vicious cycle that's going to turn belly-up when it's overloaded on good. Then, maybe, it'll turn into a better relationship. And, like, soar through the clouds or something. But if it doesn't, I won't be upset. I can't tell the future, I can only convince myself of mine and work for it.
But, I just wanted to dip my toes back in this, see how the ropes are. Things are a little choppy and stiff, but once I get back into the rhythm, I'll figure something out.
Life Update:
Spring Semester was hectic with two shows that I learned a lot with. Unemployed for the summer; spending as much time as I can with mister-man before studying abroad in England [ for further information, feel free to contact me privately. ] I'm musical director of one of my acapella groups, so I'm trying to learn how to arrange songs without them being super complicated and also managing public relations / social media things for the other [ making a website's the biggest project I'm doing for them, so keep your eyes peeled. ]
`Til Further Notes - Our entire concert is up there, and our recorded videos are being released regularly.
I'm in CATS with my friend Leah from uni and a number of other darlings from the cast of Hairspray last summer. I'm still applying to jobs, trying to help out my mom with her business and trying to have a fun summer, visiting my friends all over the place with an empty wallet.
I'm happy that I have someone really special and awesome to hold my hand along the way and, hopefully, my mom to reteach me everything that I convinced myself I never learned.
Such as to have faith in myself and also the faith that I grew up on.
Thanks for sticking with me, guys.
Hope you don't get too lost too.
If you have any questions or concerns, I'm almost always open to communicate.
Just, y'know, don't get too afraid to talk. I know I do sometimes. Haha.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some more writing to do.
<3 ~ Darin.
=]
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