too many resolutions - not enough days out of the year:
- be a man of your word
- be more impulsive
- buy it because you can / want to
- smile at strangers [ more ]
- help a person you don't get along with
- learn from people you love
- let people know when you need help
- eat more/better
- rest justifiably
- creativity never runs like you do so take your time
- enjoy today
- find quirky things about yourself that you love
- laugh about something you hate
- admit your fears
- discuss your weaknesses
- boast your flaws
- fight for strength
- watch more TV
- analyze more plays
- read more books
- hit your mark
- work out 5-6 days a week
- meditate 2x a week
- learn spanish fluently
- ballet every morning you can
- let edgar be him
- laugh with your heart, not with your brain
- dance once a week with your partner
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
If no one is standing beside you, be still - and know I am ~
10.
Don't give up. It's hard when it's hard and it gets harder when you least expect it or need it. But there's always a reason for everything. And just like any other experience in life, the end result may differ from the original product: if you give one-hundred percent [ 100% ] of yourself to your commitments and to yourself, you will have nothing to worry about. The container will take the form of the people and things you set aside for the rubbish or that were very cherishable to you. You'll wonder how they got in and how they protected you from the relentless heat of Life, but never mind that - you've got other things to tend to.
For some reason, I have a tendency to never finish anything I try to start. I've, like, make the conscientious decision to pursue everything to its completion but, for one reason or another, I get side-tracked and distracted or I become unimpressed and uninspired.
I have a friend who resolved that come the turn of the season upon the autumnal equinox, all of the personal drives would be completely floored. Things got in the way and I've seen less of that friend than I have all summer. I have every intention of making sure they're alright and they stay on track, because that's what friends are for. But, in this new season of their life, it's important that they are reminded that they can rely on others to regain their strength.
I've been living really selfishly for the last year or so. I've been keeping all of my thoughts to myself and the honest truths that I don't want to have to deal with, repercussions and benefits aside. Today, I went for a nice not-so-impromptu-but-nearly-forgotten date with my friend from university. She is everything of resolve and purpose that I strive to exact whenever I tackle things. She carries herself with such poise and grace, it's awesome to have her in my life and always know exactly when to pop up when I need a good fix of inspiration.
Thankfully, the trip was light and jubilant. We visited a bookstore that helped me sort out my thoughts and gave me an escape from the mundane computer screen, steering wheel and reoccurring sounds of my 24-hour lapses. I got the chance to sneak into the pages of a book, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. If you ever get your hands on it, please sit and read it for me. The language is so pretty and the descriptions are stimulating, I was in awe.
I was also reading The Envelope Poems by Emily Dickinson. Enough said. Probably the main reason why I wanted to write tonight, honestly.
Afterwards, we made a pitstop at a cute ice cream shop a few blocks away. It's brisk outside and we were still elated to enjoy a few scoops of strawberry cheesecake and chocolate cinnamon brownie together. This escape was probably the best thing that happened to me all week, aside from having a movie date with my mister to see The Girl on the Train, as well as have a little kick-off conference call for an upcoming project. I'm in awe of people and how great they can be, all the while the rest of the world is hyperventilating because illogical decisions are being made and ignorance is being heralded over wisdom.
It's Libra season and, if you ask me, all of the right decisions are happening in my life because they need to happen. Even if it's not the right decision in my eyes right now, the universe knows better than I do.
I've been cheating myself of greatness. Since receiving my diploma, I've copped out of fully embracing the opportunities I've been given. I've half-assed and made a mockery of what I want to do, but not any more. There are people in the world whose existences I'm reminded of almost every other day that would die or kill to live the life I am living today. People who have less and people who have more who have never known happiness or grace as it's kissed and cradled me. I'm grateful. I'm humbled.
I made a nice series of videos on one of my social media platforms yesterday that expressed my hope and buoyancy of disposition for the beginning of the week. It was a wonderful day - it started out as one and it ended as one. There's hope in my heart that people from all walks of my life, my past, my friendships that are able to find peace and be still for a moment: that their hardships and trouble dismiss them for a moment or so. Just enough of a moment for them to breathe.
For you all to remember that Life is so much bigger than all of us, but it's still so subjective and specific to each and every one of us.
I've always thought that two topics were taboo to socialize about: religion and politics.
No one has the right answer. Nearly everything we understand and communicate over is man-made and/or manufactured by the creations of man. A system of beliefs shouldn't warrant anyone causing violence against another demographic or against another individual because, in the end, it doesn't really matter, does it? So long as I am able to understand the rules and provide happiness within them with justifiable liberty to exercise my happiness, I have no need to fight anyone on what they believe or what they practice.
People will vote for one of two choices, "the lesser of the two evils" here in America. But what's incredibly astonishing is that my friend Erika-Jay reminded her Twitter followers that there are more than two Presidential candidates. I absolutely forgot until I saw some polls pop up on the screen the other night when I was waiting to get a haircut. Of course, popularity and media overpowers everything, but that's how politics are.
To all of the Trump supporters: I understand the vitality and faith. I hope you continue to pursue your happiness and find kindness, love and peace in ways you haven't yet so you can share that with the people you encounter.
To all of the Clinton supporters: I understand the vitality and faith. I hope you continue to pursue your happiness and find kindness, love and peace in ways you haven't yet so you can share that with the people you encounter.
I saw a Jeep with a Trump sticker in my metropolitan neighborhood - which sort of took me back, because I didn't expect it in the heavily modest neighborhood - but I realized that my initial reaction shouldn't dictate my personal interaction with the people who may or may not believe in one political party over the other.
Vote for who you think would be a great Commander in Chief for you and the rest of the American people based on the criteria they need to meet. I don't know that criteria, nor do I meet it, so I'll be looking into the people with 4% and 3% of votes backing them a little more thoroughly before casting my ballots.
Just how my spiritual journey and discovery doesn't have anything to do with anyone who may or may not read this blog. I may or may not express it here, but it won't cause me to treat any human being with any less kindness than I already do.
I changed my guitar strings today. I only pricked my thumb once and had to change the 1st E [ apparently the thinnest one ] once. Fortunately, I bought two packs because I know how unreliable my restringing and fine-tuning skills may be at times. It's a really gorgeous guitar and it will always remind me of my friend Laura [ Baby Bat - BABY BABY BAT <3 ] Abrams who gave it to me as a gift so I can learn how to play guitar.
And look how far we've come. Some four-five years later, I'm resolving to play more than 20 open mics before the year 2016 is over.
Oh, yeah. I've got a bucketlist, for sure. Getting in shape to learn hardcore parkour is on there too. Along with assistant directing / directing any kind of theatrical show in a community setting - which is currently happening with my residency down at La Strada Ensemble Theatre Company. I definitely want to check out all of the boxes next to the list I have for the remaining two months in this year that flew by, just like the rest of them.
Despite your personal preferences, I want you to keep pushing. Keep on doing what you're meant to do. Whatever it is.
Today in the pharmacy, one of the patrons shared that his son changed majors in university. It is a common occurrence, for someone to reconsider their career path and college is the perfect time, in my opinion. However, with the time-frame and the finances always keeping a strong grip on what we can achieve, things like education turn into a tipped over hourglass.
What you really want to learn and benefit from get lost between the corners of your workload and your dwindling social interactions and pent up frustrations.
Remember, you're a human. Not a machine.
Some people already know this and don't need the reminder.
I saw a show last weekend with Edgar's cousin, Erika who goes to Rutgers for her undergraduate. The show was about a group therapy session with some hippie professional that had an unorthodox approach to sharing and releasing emotions in her group. It was entertaining and the friend that I saw the show for, Roberto Forero, was excellent as always. He beat himself up after, proclaiming about all of the negative aspects of the show that he wished had been better. But what I reminded him was that live performances always make sense after they're over and nearing their end because we as humans focus on what's wrong instead of focusing on - and enjoying - what is right.
Focus on what you're meant to do for you and how to exact that to its maximum potential. You've had all of this time, all of these years of observing and deciphering and understanding.
Don't make another excuse. Do it when you can. Give yourself the time, but stay on top of it.
Breathe.
A friend said that we're not perfect the way we are. He explained through many health-related issues that his condition wasn't perfect and that it was wrong.
Your physical body does not define your soul. You are more than your arms and your legs and your stomach and your cheeks and your feet.
My favorite line of encouragement goes something like this:
"Look at your feet, how they have carried you so far for all of these years and never have complained to you once."
Yeah, yeah. You get sore feet or cramps or you can break them and lose them, but it's about the message: your mind is stronger than your body.
( Most of the time. )
This month is a month of common discomfort and mild intimidation. Use that fear you have of the unknown to help spurn you into discovery. The more you learn, the more the world seems to unravel itself at your feet. People travel the world and never fear death because they have such a greater understanding of what's outside of their four walls, ceiling and floor.
Have faith. Trust in yourself. Give a little more.
Love a lot more. Laugh until you can't breathe.
Find a reason to be grateful for waking up today.
It won't disappoint you, I promise.
If it does, you come find me, okay?
Cool. Thanks for checking back in, friends. I'll see you sooner than you can figure out. =]
P.S. I didn't write about Mental Health Awareness Day or National Coming Out Day because I'm still wrapping my mind around any and all handicaps and all sexuality is fluid to me. These are opportunities for you to explore and understand, not for me to huff and puff about life a little more. Consider this one less topic you get to dodge with this entry. Empowerment to those who are in duress and my heart is with you always. You are greater than any other creature on this planet.
P.S. I didn't write about Mental Health Awareness Day or National Coming Out Day because I'm still wrapping my mind around any and all handicaps and all sexuality is fluid to me. These are opportunities for you to explore and understand, not for me to huff and puff about life a little more. Consider this one less topic you get to dodge with this entry. Empowerment to those who are in duress and my heart is with you always. You are greater than any other creature on this planet.
<3 ~ Darin.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
everything you do make[s] me more curious +
Words are weird.
Spotify likes to offer me fresh music and I like to indulge in whatever form of expression that connects me to other souls. Communicating things.
One of my new friends from South Dakota - his name is Brett and thanks to the Internet, we bonded over art - said something really crazy. Like, the great crazy.
"Art needs excitement. Art needs a heartbeat."
I've been sifting through this summer and barely following my step-by-step resolution. But it's okay, because I can't rush the process. Here. A little refresher:
"Self-Promotion, Progress and Positivity"
Before you begin, wash your hands thoroughly with pure, unsaturated gratefulness, unblended admiration and compassion-concentrate. After drying them with the acceptance of the world around you, you may prepare the appliances:
"8. Resolve what it is these elements of your mind, the cup of sugar and your listings and sorting, will do for you. Do not forget who is going to slave over this great concoction, who is going to provide this recipe success - and that is you. What do you aspire to be in ten years? Where do you want to be in life within the next fifteen to twenty? How about in one year? Let your options set for about a week or two, and see if any bubbles form. If they do, weigh them down with a thick powder of practicality and reason.If the mixture tastes bitter, add a half cup [ 1/2 ] of sugar with the intent to stop in case the mixture gets too light and sweet. You'll definitely be able to tell."
It's been so long, I don't even know how to do this anymore.
I've had a lot of time - too much time - to think. I've done pretty much everything I've wanted in my last year of studying that I think I needed to. Accomplishments by which I could hold my chin high and say, "I went to college. I did this. I got a degree. I'm the first in both of my families, in my household and in my generation that's finished college." But, to tell you the truth, the only tactics that I firmly believe work are how to manage multiple tasks [ way more than you probably should imagine someone handles, ] how to read and comprehend a bit better and to "b r e a t h e."
Kinda important, but not as significant as the friendships I've made and the lessons that have uncurled my spine and the souls that have smiled at my mind.
I opened the archive for this dusty old thing and stumbled right into an entry that's just as applicable.
-----------
"F." [ for Frank, for Fight, for Fire for Freedom, for Ferguson, for Forgotten. ]
-----------
I don't want to thrust all of the pertinent, social matters into this one entry. Just know that I'll be harping in when my soul aches and my actions aren't enough.
For the time being, I'm urging everyone to just remember how we were all infants at once, how we all laughed and cried for the same thing, how we yearned for attention, how we absorbed the world around us and learned our habits, formed out consciences. Remember that personal happiness doesn't have to afflict other people's happiness or holiness or ultimate endgame - remember that people are different in every way and that we're all capable of communicating with enough patience, effort and care.
I get upset. I get angry. I hate what people do sometimes. I hate myself sometimes.
But I am only human and so are you.
I've got all of my ducks in a row. I know what I'm doing for this upcoming month and all I've got to figure out now is how to tackle it all. Efficiently, joyfully and whole-heartedly.
I'm thankful I've seen another day and that all of my friends are in good health. That you all are able to read this, no matter what walk of life you're on and receive this reminder that someone cares for you.
I'm bringing this back, not for attention, but because I definitely missed this outlet. It helped me figure things out for myself and I neglected myself for far too long. Just gotta catch up on the fun that's happened in my life.
Welcome back, friends. No matter how many times you fall, you can always get right back up. It might be a little hard, but you're never facing anything alone.
"9. Set this mixture and let it revel in its own juices. Success and prosperity may not come until the end of the recipe or it may have already exacted itself, but it is within the mixture. Let your ambition and passion ignite and heat up with excitement up until you're ready for your first step. Whether that is at a cooler temperature than the standard "I've-had-it-final-straw degrees" or the extremes of "I'm going nowhere with my life freezing" and "I-have-too-much-on-my-plate-and-I-don't-know-what-to-do-incinerating" it is all subjective to what you feel. Don't forget to feel. Just judge when you're ready to put yourself and your life to the challenge and, when you are completely prepared and dying to take that first step, open the ambition and passion and set the container in. [ It will be able to withstand all of that you need to endure, don't worry about that. Just worry about getting through the fire and flames. ]"Stay true. Stay you. Stay happy.
<3 ~
=]
Thursday, December 31, 2015
[ m a k e . a . MOVE ]
New year's eve is a weird concept.
It's supposed to feel like the conclusion of one year and the start of a new one. But, what I'm having immediate thoughts about is the fact that the new year is starting on a Friday this year. Friday, to me at least, is the end of the work-week and the start of the weekend.
Oh.
Look at that.
The end of the business [ temporarily ] and the beginning [ figuratively ] of the fun.
I think I can do something with that.
I've been resolving this entire year to getting back on track: to getting my ducks in line and making sure my blinders are on so I take care of what I'm supposed to.
We have academic calendars and annual calendars and neither of those really line up. Then there are seasonal "calendars," I guess you could call them, and even those are starting to move. Let's be honest, Winter in the Northeast has been coming later and later.
But what doesn't change to the general consensus - despite the specifics of time in a calendar year - are the days of the week, the months in the year - that sort of business.
I guess it's just more of an observation as I'm getting older.
I've noticed that my generation's becoming the one that's claiming that everything in our youth was better. Television shows, video games, childhood activities - the kind of stuff that older generations brag about. Growing pains and hypertension, maybe not so much.
But what I recently discovered out of working through the rest of 2015 is that I don't really rely on writing in this blog anymore. I have a more open-line of communication with my friends. I have my boyfriend who I think sometimes appreciates me even more than I could have ever dreamed of. I have art that allows me to explore the clutter in my head. I have the curiosity of previous generations compacted in my mind. I have a specific vision in my sight. I have a better understanding of how to approach objectives. I have a new set of tools to be a human being.
I have a lot of things that I already possessed and just was not aware of them.
I'm not putting it out of commission, but I'd like to keep its true purpose: to highlight key moments in my life to share and also archive for my personal appreciation. This was always such a kind space to my soul, to my mind that helped me figure out things when I did not understand where else to turn to. And now that I have other places to turn to, I think its actual purpose of positive energy and good will bring my life full-circle.
So, I've been working on a lot of creative projects. Working on one currently as I'm writing this and you're reading it. I'm compiling a playlist based on songs by Mumford & Sons, Jason Mraz, Gavin Degraw and Jason Mayer [ as well as a few other artists ] to set the tone for a musical I'd like to write with a few of my friends.
I think I just like to create art. Part of me gets lazy, really lazy, after I've established an idea. Or I get distracted again and funnel my energy into other projects. What's very funny to me is that people have always told me to focus on one thing at a time.
They're right. It's probably way more beneficial and fruitful to invest in one project at a time. I'm just too much of a puppy when it comes to art. I just want to run everywhere and do everything with anyone who is willing to collaborate.
I think I've set my goals pretty specifically for this new year, though.
Not a new year and new Darin - not just yet [ since your body changes about every 20 years. ]
Think of it as a new mindset, a new approach. A new goal.
2016: The year of commitment.
My friend and creative partner in crime Ashley W.K. has declared her year of 2015 as "The year of lessons" with a color themed black. 2016, however, has a wonderful tone of "orange" and the year of "blessings on blessings on blessing."
I admire everything in her soul and am very grateful our paths have crossed. My artistic world has solidified because of her passion and commitment.
In my relationship, 2015 has been pretty arduous and it has been an incredible teacher. I've learned so much from my mister and I've learned how to appreciate him better. I'm still finding out things every day and I think it's very important that everyone understands that a relationship is more than what you decide to put on social media or what you decide to portray to your friends or whatever else you believe it to be.
It's about two people, two human beings, and their collective - as well as individual - happiness[es] being catered to.
I am humbled by him and would like to commend him on being able to put up with me. Thanks, Mem. =]
My family has been tangential. I have not given as much care or time or effort or love as they should be getting. I've recently rediscovered the power of forgiveness and the cleansing spirit that comes with it. I have convinced my mind that my heart is right and analyzing every little thing that happens. I've reminded myself a thousand times that family prepares you for the real world. I don't even remember where I got this adage from, but I'm going to link up the tracks again and get this well-oiled machine back in gear.
I owe my cast of Ubu Roi a thank you post. I'll get to it today, promises.
I want to thank every individual who's come in my life and made an impact. People whose names I don't remember, whose favorite colors I can spitfire, whose birthdays make them more/less compatible personalities with my own, whose tastes in music complement my slower afternoons and whose studies will supplement my dive into the big blue oceans of Planet Earth.
2016, I'm going to start projects from scratch and finish them. I'm going to hold fast to my word. I'm going to do this annual attempt of bettering myself and see myself through. I'm going to say a lot of things to a lot of people and mean every word. I'm going to be completely honest and bring as much good as you could possibly imagine one person could. And so many more things.
I look forward to this new year. It'll probably take a few days for writing the new date to kick in and for me to start saying "2016" instead of "2015," just because it's not my main focus.
My blinders are being let up for a little bit.
The world's gaining so much color and I'm going to use it to paint my eyes enlightened.
That's my favorite shade of life.
Thanks for reading. Happy New Year to all of you. Hope to see you all and spend quality time with every dear individual who holds a place in my heart.
<3 ~ Monty.
=]
It's supposed to feel like the conclusion of one year and the start of a new one. But, what I'm having immediate thoughts about is the fact that the new year is starting on a Friday this year. Friday, to me at least, is the end of the work-week and the start of the weekend.
Oh.
Look at that.
The end of the business [ temporarily ] and the beginning [ figuratively ] of the fun.
I think I can do something with that.
I've been resolving this entire year to getting back on track: to getting my ducks in line and making sure my blinders are on so I take care of what I'm supposed to.
We have academic calendars and annual calendars and neither of those really line up. Then there are seasonal "calendars," I guess you could call them, and even those are starting to move. Let's be honest, Winter in the Northeast has been coming later and later.
But what doesn't change to the general consensus - despite the specifics of time in a calendar year - are the days of the week, the months in the year - that sort of business.
I guess it's just more of an observation as I'm getting older.
I've noticed that my generation's becoming the one that's claiming that everything in our youth was better. Television shows, video games, childhood activities - the kind of stuff that older generations brag about. Growing pains and hypertension, maybe not so much.
But what I recently discovered out of working through the rest of 2015 is that I don't really rely on writing in this blog anymore. I have a more open-line of communication with my friends. I have my boyfriend who I think sometimes appreciates me even more than I could have ever dreamed of. I have art that allows me to explore the clutter in my head. I have the curiosity of previous generations compacted in my mind. I have a specific vision in my sight. I have a better understanding of how to approach objectives. I have a new set of tools to be a human being.
I have a lot of things that I already possessed and just was not aware of them.
I'm not putting it out of commission, but I'd like to keep its true purpose: to highlight key moments in my life to share and also archive for my personal appreciation. This was always such a kind space to my soul, to my mind that helped me figure out things when I did not understand where else to turn to. And now that I have other places to turn to, I think its actual purpose of positive energy and good will bring my life full-circle.
So, I've been working on a lot of creative projects. Working on one currently as I'm writing this and you're reading it. I'm compiling a playlist based on songs by Mumford & Sons, Jason Mraz, Gavin Degraw and Jason Mayer [ as well as a few other artists ] to set the tone for a musical I'd like to write with a few of my friends.
L U L L A B Y .
I think I just like to create art. Part of me gets lazy, really lazy, after I've established an idea. Or I get distracted again and funnel my energy into other projects. What's very funny to me is that people have always told me to focus on one thing at a time.
They're right. It's probably way more beneficial and fruitful to invest in one project at a time. I'm just too much of a puppy when it comes to art. I just want to run everywhere and do everything with anyone who is willing to collaborate.
I think I've set my goals pretty specifically for this new year, though.
Not a new year and new Darin - not just yet [ since your body changes about every 20 years. ]
Think of it as a new mindset, a new approach. A new goal.
2016: The year of commitment.
My friend and creative partner in crime Ashley W.K. has declared her year of 2015 as "The year of lessons" with a color themed black. 2016, however, has a wonderful tone of "orange" and the year of "blessings on blessings on blessing."
I admire everything in her soul and am very grateful our paths have crossed. My artistic world has solidified because of her passion and commitment.
In my relationship, 2015 has been pretty arduous and it has been an incredible teacher. I've learned so much from my mister and I've learned how to appreciate him better. I'm still finding out things every day and I think it's very important that everyone understands that a relationship is more than what you decide to put on social media or what you decide to portray to your friends or whatever else you believe it to be.
It's about two people, two human beings, and their collective - as well as individual - happiness[es] being catered to.
I am humbled by him and would like to commend him on being able to put up with me. Thanks, Mem. =]
My family has been tangential. I have not given as much care or time or effort or love as they should be getting. I've recently rediscovered the power of forgiveness and the cleansing spirit that comes with it. I have convinced my mind that my heart is right and analyzing every little thing that happens. I've reminded myself a thousand times that family prepares you for the real world. I don't even remember where I got this adage from, but I'm going to link up the tracks again and get this well-oiled machine back in gear.
I owe my cast of Ubu Roi a thank you post. I'll get to it today, promises.
I want to thank every individual who's come in my life and made an impact. People whose names I don't remember, whose favorite colors I can spitfire, whose birthdays make them more/less compatible personalities with my own, whose tastes in music complement my slower afternoons and whose studies will supplement my dive into the big blue oceans of Planet Earth.
2016, I'm going to start projects from scratch and finish them. I'm going to hold fast to my word. I'm going to do this annual attempt of bettering myself and see myself through. I'm going to say a lot of things to a lot of people and mean every word. I'm going to be completely honest and bring as much good as you could possibly imagine one person could. And so many more things.
I look forward to this new year. It'll probably take a few days for writing the new date to kick in and for me to start saying "2016" instead of "2015," just because it's not my main focus.
My blinders are being let up for a little bit.
The world's gaining so much color and I'm going to use it to paint my eyes enlightened.
That's my favorite shade of life.
Thanks for reading. Happy New Year to all of you. Hope to see you all and spend quality time with every dear individual who holds a place in my heart.
Before you begin, wash your hands thoroughly with pure, unsaturated gratefulness, unblended admiration and compassion-concentrate. After drying them with the acceptance of the world around you, you may prepare the appliances:
- You'll need one large heart. It's okay if it's beaten, tattered, broken, mended, full or empty - it just needs to be your own. You'll need to inspect it for any vices, biases or anything that could taint its composition any further. If it's a bad habit, you'll need to wash it with the same components you washed your hands with prior to preparation; a bit of a tenderness with the cleanse will do it good, but try to be patient - it will thaw and rid of its blemishes with undetermined and unprecedented time.
- If you open your eyes and inspect the heart thoroughly, you'll find with it a set of connections that plug into different parts of your body. This is tuned and intended to keep your body running well at a standard temperature of ninety-eight and six-tenths [ 98.6 ] Farenheit - thirty-seven [ 37 ] degrees Celsius for you intelligent creatures. It is homeostasis, your body's natural standard for functional operation. With it, you'll find your immune system and your different, internal regulators - blood pressure / cholesterol; blood cell count [ white and red ]; enzymes; acids; etc. Do well to observe and tend to their needs, requirements and, essentially, take care of your body.
- Next comes the great part we all love. If you take a container to place the heart in - preferably figurative and mentally fabricated, housing the actual heart right where it belongs [ in your chest cavity, in case you are following the instructions verbatim ] you can sit there and evaluate both your heart and your body with your mind. Take all the time you need: this is a recipe made for either one lifetime or many - however many you need to figure it out. With this evaluation, you should be able to find what you cherish: what you hold dear, what you appreciate, what makes you happy, what strikes you emotionally and what makes you want to go to sleep to wake up the next morning and breathe air for. Once you have made a list composed of more than [ but no little as ] fifteen things [ accumulative or separately for each category is not distinguished ], you are free to find things in your life that fit snugly in whichever places they belong. Feel free to bend the rules if it's something that doesn't seem to fit at all. However, if it is negative in any aspect, you must set it aside in a pile alienated from the container which houses your washed, thriving heart and your stable body. Let's call this rubbish. Not like we're going to refer to it another time. But, for your future purposes, and if you need to try your hand again at this recipe, "rubbish" is a starting point.
- After you've your plethora of pleasures, do well to find them in life. Once you have found them in your life, exact how you're going to share them with those around you. In what proportion? Are you going to share all of your happiness to convey to others who may or may not appreciate the things you do as much as you do? Are you going to share as little as possible to keep the bliss to yourself? It is suggested to give the heart the judgment, leaving whatever you share to the same compassion broth which should be pumping from the heart to the body.
- With the sharing testing the caliber of your happiness and your surroundings, take another look. Do these things still make you happy? Do they make the people around you happy? Do you appreciate the things or people with whom you've experienced these results with? Take three-fourths [ 3/4 ] of the negative responses and set them aside for the rubbish. Do not set them in the rubbish, merely make room for the quintessence of your happiness - for the things and people that mean the most.
- Add a [ 1 ] cup of sugar: do not get down in the dumps. Sugar - artificial or natural - does well for your cells. { Accredited source. } It is simply the energy source that provides your cells the capability to do what they need to. Whether this sugar is literal - eating healthier with more fruits, vegetables, proportioned meals and properly prepared diet-work - or figurative - holding a perspective that absolves detrimental attitudes and extracts happiness out of every situation, good or bad - it will do well if added in the right proportion. If poured properly, this will make the contents glaze with a lifetime of pleasant experiences and bonds that will be greatly appreciated at a later time.
- Stir steadily with an instrument of action. Do, don't think upon everything. Get out of your comfort zone for a few days or weeks or months and try something new that will not only make you feel alive and well, but will also bring you good karma and prosperity.
- Resolve what it is these elements of your mind, the cup of sugar and your listings and sorting, will do for you. Do not forget who is going to slave over this great concoction, who is going to provide this recipe success - and that is you. What do you aspire to be in ten years? Where do you want to be in life within the next fifteen to twenty? How about in one year? Let your options set for about a week or two, and see if any bubbles form. If they do, weigh them down with a thick powder of practicality and reason. If the mixture tastes bitter, add a half cup [ 1/2 ] of sugar with the intent to stop in case the mixture gets too light and sweet. You'll definitely be able to tell.
- Set this mixture and let it revel in its own juices. Success and prosperity may not come until the end of the recipe or it may have already exacted itself, but it is within the mixture. Let your ambition and passion ignite and heat up with excitement up until you're ready for your first step. Whether that is at a cooler temperature than the standard "I've-had-it-final-straw degrees" or the extremes of "I'm going nowhere with my life freezing" and "I-have-too-much-on-my-plate-and-I-don't-know-what-to-do-incinerating" it is all subjective to what you feel. Don't forget to feel. Just judge when you're ready to put yourself and your life to the challenge and, when you are completely prepared and dying to take that first step, open the ambition and passion and set the container in. [ It will be able to withstand all of that you need to endure, don't worry about that. Just worry about getting through the fire and flames. ]
- Don't give up. It's hard when it's hard and it gets harder when you least expect it or need it. But there's always a reason for everything. And just like any other experience in life, the end result may differ from the original product: if you give one-hundred percent [ 100% ] of yourself to your commitments and to yourself, you will have nothing to worry about. The container will take the form of the people and things you set aside for the rubbish or that were very cherishable to you. You'll wonder how they got in and how they protected you from the relentless heat of Life, but never mind that - you've got other things to tend to.
- Give yourself a break. Turn off the ambition, resolve, and prepare yourself with some gloves of adversity, of reminiscing and honor for your past to remove your container. It will be hot and weathered and possibly fragile, but your contents will have glazed over into a beautifully transformed heart. This heart that you recognize will have the same form, same shape, same beat, same everything. The only thing that will differ, but not limited to, will be its installation of appreciation. You'll learn to appreciate yourself so much more, ergo connecting appreciation, compassion, love and happiness to so much more in your surroundings.
- Take a moment to admire the changes you've made. It's not easy as cooking, per se, but it most certainly is doable. And not too many people follow the instructions. Some may waver, some may find faults and mend it to their own, come up with better or worse results - some may even end up with the same heart that they started with. After you spend about a few winks of your eyes, a few tears of admiration and the same gratefulness that bathed the heart before all else, fit the heart right back where it belongs and your body in the place it belongs. Your mind will have recalibrated to accommodate the matters of your new body, and you can enjoy your self-promotion, progress and positivity. Serving size contingent upon the willingness and capacity of your heart.
<3 ~ Monty.
=]
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
NO i'm not PREPARED , my heart's beating really ......... [ f a s t
Hi.
I feel weird. I fight with my keyboard all of the time to make the letters appear like they're supposed to. Sometimes the letters argue with me and sometimes they mock me: when I get tense, they hesitate and do not appear. They know what I want to say and frustrate me when I just want them to already be on the screen, instead of me pressing deliberately to ensure that what I want to be said is said.
I don't know. I'm happy, I'm great, don't get me wrong. But something's up.
Usually when I'm here, I'm in a mindset that's unperturbed. None of the cold, hissing rules of society press me into corners. None of the extra precautions of my conscience veto my arrhythmic pokes.
I feel like I owe you an apology, but I don't know what for, or why you would even care for one. I offer you thanks instead, for visiting again and reading - whether it's your first time or your fiftieth time.
Thank you.
This summer has been treating me so well. There's a lot of promise in what has already been completed and so much excitement for what is to come. However, July is my month of unfinished business. I made a lot of promises to myself, deals with myself and ultimatums for myself that I probably should have given a second thought to.
I'm really happy because I get to spend almost every day with a very special person who makes my heart skip and jump, scream and shout. I owe him all of the love in the world and can only seem to always express it better through my words rather than my actions. But he knows and he understands and that's a really good starting point.
I'm looking forward to our road trip for our anniversary. I've been on really, really long road trips with my family to Arkansas and Florida, but a family trip is so much more different from going with a special someone. I mean, I wouldn't know because this is the first time I'm experiencing it, but it's got to be, right? I can only imagine so. [ Don't worry, you'll get updates about that closer to the actual adventure! ]
Along with that road trip, I was planning to get a car and road trip over to the West Coast to visit some friends, network and enjoy life along the way. For more reasons than I'd like to admit, I'm deciding to postpone that adventure and leave the remainder of my summer to just enjoy it before my final year of university.
I've seen so many updates on the lives of my friends from the other side of the pond. A special congrats to them for graduating from St. Mary's. Most of them are Drama students and I'm so proud and excited for their colleagues. Especially the ones who will be graduating at the same time as me!
So, so, so. Get this. I'm really pleased with how this busy summer has also been very kind to me. I've loved just about every moment. I've been writing more music, discovering myself with my guitar [ Laura, I still have Ruby and she's doing so good ] and finding the courage to share the parts of it that likes to peak out into exposure. It's weird, because I've been attempting to shed my self-depreciating and overly-concerned mindset.
One of my dearest littles, Kaylee, has adopted a mindset that is very similar to the one I would like to reintroduce into my life. Easy, caring and tranquil, she has become so well-grounded that her presence is blooming so beautifully. Speaking of littles, happy birthday to the one who almost did me in once-upon-ago. And, for the equality of love, a special mentioning of my third little, Mikey-Mike.
We went hiking at the Delaware Water Gap last weekend. It was really nice.
Along with that adventure - which consisted of a lot of rock-tripping and a cute lunch by a waterfall - I got to cherish a car ride, bonding and memoir-retrieve with these three amazing human beings. Super glad to have them in my life.
With this good energy effecting nearly everything in my life, I'd like to just acknowledge that there's a consequence for good people who put out more good into the world. Such is the case with a wonderful friend I've serendipitously made while in the streets of the Big Apple.
I was meandering about, trying to find my location for my first rehearsal and I ran into a friend [ Cara ] of a friend [ Lenny ] who has become my friend, with two of her friends [ Samuel and Matt. ] Incidentally enough and much to our mutual belief, Cara and I did one of those weird "double-take-because-there's-no-way-in-any-global-locations-it-could-really-be-you" things and then freaked out. Just a little bit. And because her friends were so gloriously amiable and recently graduated, I welcomed their warm eyes and bright smiles. They looked equally as delighted to make a new friend, even if they thought Cara and my greeting strange [ which it most certainly was, with squawking and flailing and a photo of each other, "not with each other?" I could just hear the judgment in Sam's voice. ]
Well, me being the incredibly friendly friend-making friend I am found some pictures that Cara put up of their recent graduation and, seeing their completely goofy selves before the lenses contrasted to the absolutely cool and collected demeanor they shared earlier. Matt and Samuel soon became friends with yours truly.
After a couple of conversations about film-related matters, Samuel shared a really interesting project he's heavily involved in. And like all things that intrigue good-hearted people, I share with you to see if it'll get you just as intrigued and involved!
I could tell you all about it and blab on and on about how I admire their pursuits and encourage and support them fully, but that would take away the fun of you exploring them for yourselves. If you have any questions, though, you know where to find me - and it - so just drop a line!
Well, I think it's really awesome that people pursue their passions and care to share it with others, but what gets me so adamantly supportive and intricately encouraging is the fact that not enough people pay attention to the good in this world. We'll share a horrible video or some drama-instigating words but not nearly as many altruistic deeds or efforts - and if they are, they're of puppies meeting kittens [ and I mean there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, because I mean c'MON THEY'RE PUPPIES AND KITTENS. ]
Let me know if I'm wrong, though.
So. Today's video [ that Sam immediately reminded me was online and encouraged me to check out when I announced that this particular blog entry was underway ] was about Freedom. If you go and check out the page, you can watch the video yourself and then following my corresponding thoughts hereafter.
Things might get really abstract, friends. Sorry in advance.
I'm going to be on a radio station tomorrow.
I know, weird transition, but I have been thinking about what I could possibly talk about while I'm up there, but it's completely out of my nature to babble on and on about myself. It's one thing to find a way to write about myself, but going in blind and talking to my fellow interns for a company I'm interning at this summer? It's completely out of my element.
I think having this in mind when I go to IBN tomorrow [ 7/22 ], I'll be a bit more settled in my chair.
So, if you're interested in the company, it's here.
It's not like a normal broadcast. They gave me two landline numbers to call if you want to listen in or if you want to call in and speak on the air, respectively. Below they are listed.
I'm pretty sure it's at 2 p.m. EST. Or 4 p.m. Hm. Let me check.
While I'm waiting, my two boys - Igor and Mark - are living it up. Mark's interning over in California with a very renowned company and Igor is road tripping with our darlingest Emma to deliver her safely to California. I miss them both so much, Emma too, and am very happy I get to live with them this year. And~! Our favorite giant, Cody. This is going to be the best Senior Year I could ever ask for. I can already feel it.
I actually feel it in my bones. And in the back of my head. Pulling me forward, but like a falling sensation. Do you ever experience stuff like that? It's weird, right? Happens really rarely. Like, maybe two other times, this has happened. Just feels like really nice vibes to me.
Anywho, I've covered just about everything I think I wanted to cover. A part of me wanted to talk about trust and the heart, so I will.
Oh and it'll be live- the broadcast - at about 3 p.m. So that settles that.
But yes. The heart. And trust.
I feel like I've grown very much in my capacity to trust, as well as my unconditional love. This, to me, would have been unfathomable probably a year or two ago. But I've learned so much and have seen so much that imagining myself in a myriad of conditions wherein I'd have to turn the other cheek or extend a hand or pull someone in for an embrace does not even make me cringe. It might not mean much to you, but it's important to me.
Sometimes you have to let your hand get run through with their knife to let them realize the deed done and patch it back up. It's better they learn and realize in a safe environment that will nurture and repair a friendship as opposed to lashing out with their blade and having it turned to their neck. If you know of agape and possess it, then let it be Free. Let it breathe.
Unwrap it from your bleeding ribcage and learn to love.
Yeah, that's it. I'll let you know how the radio thing goes in next week's entry: Friday is my younger brothers 13th birthday, then Saturday is Kaylee's birthday shindig.
I leave you with a blast from the past for month number seven.
<3 ~ Monty.
=]
I feel weird. I fight with my keyboard all of the time to make the letters appear like they're supposed to. Sometimes the letters argue with me and sometimes they mock me: when I get tense, they hesitate and do not appear. They know what I want to say and frustrate me when I just want them to already be on the screen, instead of me pressing deliberately to ensure that what I want to be said is said.
I don't know. I'm happy, I'm great, don't get me wrong. But something's up.
Usually when I'm here, I'm in a mindset that's unperturbed. None of the cold, hissing rules of society press me into corners. None of the extra precautions of my conscience veto my arrhythmic pokes.
I feel like I owe you an apology, but I don't know what for, or why you would even care for one. I offer you thanks instead, for visiting again and reading - whether it's your first time or your fiftieth time.
Thank you.
Yuna - "I Wanna Go"
[ click me! ]
This summer has been treating me so well. There's a lot of promise in what has already been completed and so much excitement for what is to come. However, July is my month of unfinished business. I made a lot of promises to myself, deals with myself and ultimatums for myself that I probably should have given a second thought to.
I'm really happy because I get to spend almost every day with a very special person who makes my heart skip and jump, scream and shout. I owe him all of the love in the world and can only seem to always express it better through my words rather than my actions. But he knows and he understands and that's a really good starting point.
 |
| The heart and center of my world and then me, with some umbrella shadow on my nose. |
I'm looking forward to our road trip for our anniversary. I've been on really, really long road trips with my family to Arkansas and Florida, but a family trip is so much more different from going with a special someone. I mean, I wouldn't know because this is the first time I'm experiencing it, but it's got to be, right? I can only imagine so. [ Don't worry, you'll get updates about that closer to the actual adventure! ]
Along with that road trip, I was planning to get a car and road trip over to the West Coast to visit some friends, network and enjoy life along the way. For more reasons than I'd like to admit, I'm deciding to postpone that adventure and leave the remainder of my summer to just enjoy it before my final year of university.
I've seen so many updates on the lives of my friends from the other side of the pond. A special congrats to them for graduating from St. Mary's. Most of them are Drama students and I'm so proud and excited for their colleagues. Especially the ones who will be graduating at the same time as me!
So, so, so. Get this. I'm really pleased with how this busy summer has also been very kind to me. I've loved just about every moment. I've been writing more music, discovering myself with my guitar [ Laura, I still have Ruby and she's doing so good ] and finding the courage to share the parts of it that likes to peak out into exposure. It's weird, because I've been attempting to shed my self-depreciating and overly-concerned mindset.
One of my dearest littles, Kaylee, has adopted a mindset that is very similar to the one I would like to reintroduce into my life. Easy, caring and tranquil, she has become so well-grounded that her presence is blooming so beautifully. Speaking of littles, happy birthday to the one who almost did me in once-upon-ago. And, for the equality of love, a special mentioning of my third little, Mikey-Mike.
We went hiking at the Delaware Water Gap last weekend. It was really nice.
 |
| My Widdles (L to R.) Kaylee, Meeee, Mike, Kyle. |
Along with that adventure - which consisted of a lot of rock-tripping and a cute lunch by a waterfall - I got to cherish a car ride, bonding and memoir-retrieve with these three amazing human beings. Super glad to have them in my life.
With this good energy effecting nearly everything in my life, I'd like to just acknowledge that there's a consequence for good people who put out more good into the world. Such is the case with a wonderful friend I've serendipitously made while in the streets of the Big Apple.
I was meandering about, trying to find my location for my first rehearsal and I ran into a friend [ Cara ] of a friend [ Lenny ] who has become my friend, with two of her friends [ Samuel and Matt. ] Incidentally enough and much to our mutual belief, Cara and I did one of those weird "double-take-because-there's-no-way-in-any-global-locations-it-could-really-be-you" things and then freaked out. Just a little bit. And because her friends were so gloriously amiable and recently graduated, I welcomed their warm eyes and bright smiles. They looked equally as delighted to make a new friend, even if they thought Cara and my greeting strange [ which it most certainly was, with squawking and flailing and a photo of each other, "not with each other?" I could just hear the judgment in Sam's voice. ]
Well, me being the incredibly friendly friend-making friend I am found some pictures that Cara put up of their recent graduation and, seeing their completely goofy selves before the lenses contrasted to the absolutely cool and collected demeanor they shared earlier. Matt and Samuel soon became friends with yours truly.
After a couple of conversations about film-related matters, Samuel shared a really interesting project he's heavily involved in. And like all things that intrigue good-hearted people, I share with you to see if it'll get you just as intrigued and involved!
I could tell you all about it and blab on and on about how I admire their pursuits and encourage and support them fully, but that would take away the fun of you exploring them for yourselves. If you have any questions, though, you know where to find me - and it - so just drop a line!
Well, I think it's really awesome that people pursue their passions and care to share it with others, but what gets me so adamantly supportive and intricately encouraging is the fact that not enough people pay attention to the good in this world. We'll share a horrible video or some drama-instigating words but not nearly as many altruistic deeds or efforts - and if they are, they're of puppies meeting kittens [ and I mean there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, because I mean c'MON THEY'RE PUPPIES AND KITTENS. ]
Let me know if I'm wrong, though.
So. Today's video [ that Sam immediately reminded me was online and encouraged me to check out when I announced that this particular blog entry was underway ] was about Freedom. If you go and check out the page, you can watch the video yourself and then following my corresponding thoughts hereafter.
Things might get really abstract, friends. Sorry in advance.
To me, Freedom is a smooth and unadulterated heartbeat in a constricted ribcage.
It's about the colors blue and black blending with white and red and coming out to gradients of yellow or green or silver and white without any abhorrent distortions.
It's about the smile on a dirt-matted face of an elder and the happy hands of a child sifting through waters, crystal clear.
It's what we are given at birth and immediately objectively cocooned with: there are no nutrients to help us develop the Freedoms and when we finish our metamorphose, we emerge with no clue how to flap our Freeing wings.
It's a sound that bounces into our ears and does not jar our bones or clatter our nerves - instead, it twists us in grace and sends us into a soaring sensation of joy and bliss.
Freedom's something special that cannot be weighted by its denotation or connotation and transcends the farthest reaches of the Earth.
I thought about what it would be like to go to the complete opposite of the Earth and find a person who spoke a language that in no way, shape or form could conform or reform to a degree of comprehension to any of the ones I could understand and finding a way to laugh and share with that person: this is what Freedom, to me, is and could be.
I think it's really important to share ideas. All Spring Semester, I learned about the importance of the Marketplace of Ideas - a concept in communications that is ideally protected and established by one in the same First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. By no means am I a political-specialist or any type of government-circumvential individual, but what I've learned from the Marketplace of Ideas is that everyone is free to say and share what they believe is important to them. Wherein, it is important to identify what is important and legitimate to the Marketplace, but no one should have the right to impede on such a structure that involves the path of someone's life.
If someone believes that clouds represent the thoughts of angels fabricated to protect all the things of the Earth from the harsh and accusing truths of light and dark, then they should be able to enjoy their life-choices made with that as free in their minds as anything else.
I just think it's nice to share, to smile and laugh. Dreaming's for people who know their minds are bigger than their bodies. It's for people who know how to live longer but don't need to because they've already gained the truths they've needed to make it as far as they have. And for all the places they haven't yet gone or the words they haven't yet spoken, Freedom serves as their enabler to enjoy the rest of their lives as they see fit.
Not everyone has the luxury, true, but this is because it's seen as a luxury.
I'm going to be on a radio station tomorrow.
I know, weird transition, but I have been thinking about what I could possibly talk about while I'm up there, but it's completely out of my nature to babble on and on about myself. It's one thing to find a way to write about myself, but going in blind and talking to my fellow interns for a company I'm interning at this summer? It's completely out of my element.
I think having this in mind when I go to IBN tomorrow [ 7/22 ], I'll be a bit more settled in my chair.
So, if you're interested in the company, it's here.
It's not like a normal broadcast. They gave me two landline numbers to call if you want to listen in or if you want to call in and speak on the air, respectively. Below they are listed.
IBN Listen-In Number
(732)832-8036
Call-In Number
(800)862-9164
I'm pretty sure it's at 2 p.m. EST. Or 4 p.m. Hm. Let me check.
While I'm waiting, my two boys - Igor and Mark - are living it up. Mark's interning over in California with a very renowned company and Igor is road tripping with our darlingest Emma to deliver her safely to California. I miss them both so much, Emma too, and am very happy I get to live with them this year. And~! Our favorite giant, Cody. This is going to be the best Senior Year I could ever ask for. I can already feel it.
I actually feel it in my bones. And in the back of my head. Pulling me forward, but like a falling sensation. Do you ever experience stuff like that? It's weird, right? Happens really rarely. Like, maybe two other times, this has happened. Just feels like really nice vibes to me.
Anywho, I've covered just about everything I think I wanted to cover. A part of me wanted to talk about trust and the heart, so I will.
Oh and it'll be live- the broadcast - at about 3 p.m. So that settles that.
But yes. The heart. And trust.
I feel like I've grown very much in my capacity to trust, as well as my unconditional love. This, to me, would have been unfathomable probably a year or two ago. But I've learned so much and have seen so much that imagining myself in a myriad of conditions wherein I'd have to turn the other cheek or extend a hand or pull someone in for an embrace does not even make me cringe. It might not mean much to you, but it's important to me.
Sometimes you have to let your hand get run through with their knife to let them realize the deed done and patch it back up. It's better they learn and realize in a safe environment that will nurture and repair a friendship as opposed to lashing out with their blade and having it turned to their neck. If you know of agape and possess it, then let it be Free. Let it breathe.
Unwrap it from your bleeding ribcage and learn to love.
Yeah, that's it. I'll let you know how the radio thing goes in next week's entry: Friday is my younger brothers 13th birthday, then Saturday is Kaylee's birthday shindig.
I leave you with a blast from the past for month number seven.
Before you begin, wash your hands thoroughly with pure, unsaturated gratefulness, unblended admiration and compassion-concentrate. After drying them with the acceptance of the world around you, you may prepare the appliances:
7. Stir steadily with an instrument of action. Do, don't think upon everything. Get out of your comfort zone for a few days or weeks or months and try something new that will not only make you feel alive and well, but will also bring you good karma and prosperity.Seems like this stirring's been happening on its own. Hope it comes out really good. Do summer right: be happy and stay happy.
<3 ~ Monty.
=]
Saturday, June 13, 2015
you`ve broke me ] [ and taught me
It's summer!
I've always been busy, always running around. None of the excuses, but I'll let you know what's up.
I'm currently sitting on the third floor of an arts center in Ocean Grove, all the way down the shore - about an hour and some change away from where I live. I just finished a Saturday matinee of a two-man show I was in, which was part of a larger play festival. During my journeys up and down the coast, I've been rolling around in playlists I have on Spotify, but I've become truly enamored with one particular artist since the end of the school year: Lianne La Havas.
If you don't know who she is, you should check her out. She's really mellow and maybe her sound isn't what suits your fancy, but she's got a gorgeous voice and plays guitar extremely well.
It's not Blog Day, I know many have gone by, but I think my free time has come and go too often for my writing bug to crawl in and nestle comfortably. So, because the matinee performance was my last performance of the festival, I figured it prudent to acknowledge the wonderful people I got the opportunity to meet during this experience and a half.
The yoga class is getting out, now. They're all rolling up their mats and putting on their shoes and walking past me and I'm just smiling at all of them. There's a pair that have a lot of tattoos. Took me by surprise.
Anywho, this summer started when I dove back into the pharmacy with my buddy, Raj. He's been a great help and so generous with letting me back into his pharmacy to gain more experience in that field. I think it's pretty rad and that there are a lot of memories that I've made that wouldn't happen elsewhere, or have possibly been overlooked by people who've shared them. It's been nice.
Then I auditioned for a show in the city and my friend Steve contacted me about another in Asbury Park. I decided it'd be pretty cool to do some shows for the summer that would be outside of my usual element and radius of home and so, here I am. The show in the city is a kids theatre show, while the one in Asbury Park was to engage the LGBTQ community, a Rainbow Festival. The structure of these two organizations are really cool: Mentoring in Medicine for the kids' and La Strada Ensemble Theatre for the festival. I've met some pretty great people and I keep saying it because I kinda don't want it to be done. It stirred a little bit of the pot, but everything's good and everyone's happy.
I almost forgot to mention this amazing workshop that I did in Brooklyn with Carter Gill. My Roomz, Igor took it with me, along with a few other fellow Broncs. They were amazing at the clowning work and I was so proud to share such a wonderful, safe space with them. That was great.
So, yeah. That'll be an adventure for another day.
The festival consisted of six different programs. The one I participated in was Program Orange, via the show "The History of Us." I'm just gonna jot down the names in the order of the program. Hope you guys can find yourselves relatively easily and that you understand how fantastic you are from the little blurb I'm gonna leave here for you!
Here it goes!
LA STRADA ENSEMBLE THEATER'S RAINBOW FESTIVAL - PROGRAM ORANGE (2015)
Terrence B. - Man, Joy was right: you are the man. You're hilarious and such a jovial spirit and I wish I could have worked with you in this experience. Just means until next time. You bring such fantastic work to the table and I'm super proud of you for putting on the amazing show you did, bud! So glad to have had you open the show with Erica and warm up the crowd and be a fellow black man who knows how to work the crowd. As a fellow Benjamin Coffin, III, I know you're gonna do great things bud. Congrats on continuing your experience with La Strada and I look forward to working with you in the future!
Joy C. - You doll, you. Thanks for putting up with all my weirdness and awkward moments. Makes it more delightful to see you judging me, but not really judging me, when you were the one deserving of judgment for eating all of our pink starbursts. Shout out to you for that. Also, even though your voice was pretty low for an eight-year-old [ or however old you were supposed to be, ] you did a fantastic job laying into Chase and telling him who's boss. You're hilarious and I genuinely appreciate your sense of humor. If Sam actually follows through with putting us in his webseries, I demand that we just make snarky comments the entire time, ad libbing and improving and hopefully it turns out pretty damn good. Okay, thanks for always keeping the crew delightful with your wonderful smile and amazing light in your eyes. See you on the flipside.
Daniel C. - WHAT?! YOUR FIRST NAME'S NOT CHASE??? Okay, hold on, I gotta read this playbill again. Yeah, what? DANIEL?! Who are you. My life is a lie. You're a delight and adorable and such a great kid, I can just tell. You've got this genuine aura about you that probably is coupled well to your jubilant nature. Keep your mind clear and your heart open, just like you ritualized every night with Joy - that gave me some kind of ground to latch onto you guys with and support you for your performances. I mean, it's weird, but I just appreciate they dynamic you provide to the group and thank you for being the funny guy. There could have been a much worse funny guy. So, go you! See ya soon, man. Good luck in the future!
Erica K. - I'm so glad your husband brought you back into acting because your energy and drive are incomparable. There wasn't a time when you stepped into the building or when we attended your house for rehearsals that didn't delight me and make my day better. You're such a wonderful spirit and I am just humbled by your grateful and loving attitude. It's very refreshing knowing that art does bring friends together on both sides of the table. Keep up the amazing work. Can't wait to work with you again in the future! [ P.s. Give your pups a hug for me! ]
Liz M. - Yes! YESSSSS!!! It's official. You're my girl. Like, Lisa and Joy are my girl too, don't worry, but you're my girl. You're hilarious and blunt and so entertaining. It's okay to want attention and I just wish that we could have spent time together before tech week so that I got to know you better. Also, thanks for accepting me and not making me walk into rehearsal and cry because you didn't want to be my friend. Also, sometimes a shark-velociraptor-whale-blimp-tractor-dinosaur is exactly what this world needs. I mean did you see Age of Ultron? What would have happened if Vision wasn't created????? Okay, see you soon. I'll watch all of the television just for you. And maybe Steve and Sam. But mostly for you.
Sam P. - Thanks for being a friend from the beginning. I was honestly a little worried you were going to completely overlook this experience and just hit the show and quit it. But I've gotten to know you as a nice pal and it's so great to be able to work comfortably on a show. It's been a confidence booster racing you with memorizing the lines and OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND SO LET'S DO THIS DOUBLE DATE SOON, PLEASE YEAH THANKS? Don't worry too much about us not being friends anymore, though. Stevarooni and I were always conspiring behind your back. [ P.s. Webseries. That is all. ]
Lisa S. - Hi, best friend. You're gorgeous, inside and out. I just want to let you know that. Simply because everyone in the cast has beautiful souls, but you've got a presence that truly radiates and shares your with everyone in the cast. Thank you for being you, for making me laugh with Liz, for calming Sam down whenever I was running super late or before we went right on. Thanks for the softness of your heart and the sharpness of your mind. You're great, you really are. Super proud to be on your Instagram, too.
Lydia S. - I REMEMBERED WHEN YOU CAME TO RIDER FOR ADMITTED STUDENTS DAY AND I GOT SO EXCITED ON THE STAIRS TALKING TO YOUR MOM. You have no clue. It means so much that you've been so supportive and encouraging during this entire experience. I'm glad to have worked with you on a show while we're both at Rider and I look forward to having all o the many challenges - oh, those challenges - of finding insiders to share back at Rider. You are fantastic and keep up the amazing work. ~ Your Prez. =]
Cassie P. - I adore you. You're fantastic. Thank you so much for making this experience as great as it has been and I thoroughly enjoyed spending what little time I had the opportunity to with you. You're such a sweetheart. Keep up the brilliant work and I'll be seeing you soon!
Clarissa S. - I'm still gonna fight Tom for you, don't worry. Also, you're great and so sweet and so nice. Thanks so much for making every night a different night and for keeping us on our toes. Also, this great thing about my quick change and the long-ass scene changes? Shout-out to you three - Clarissa, Cass and Lydia - for making sure I didn't have to stumble back onstage half-naked almost every time. Really, thank you for that.
Steven R. - To my spectacular director: Thanks so much for this amazing opportunity. I enjoyed every painstaking bit of traveling that helped me discover a lot about myself while coming down to Asbury and going back home to my Mem. Thank you for always looking out for me, and I'm super proud of you for being the amazing star that you are. Sam thinks he's slick because he doesn't want to hang out with us ever, but it's okay because I'm the only one out of the trio who hasn't seen Paradise. And I'd like to keep it that way. =] <3 Best wishes to you for this upcoming project and you better believe I'm sending all of my good vibes your way.
Doug B. - Your work is brilliant and I just wanted to let you know that. You're amazing and I'm astonished by how you know Meaghan Finlay because she's so darling and sweet [ and very close to one of my good friends. ] I can't wait to work with you in the future and thank you for contributing to this awesome festival, it's been so fantastic. [ P.S. Now I have to go back and watch all the episodes of All My Children before I speak to you again. Bahaha. ]
Ryan W. - YOU'RE GREAT. You're so gracious and wonderful and loving and honest and funny and I just appreciate everything you did for us. Your work is brilliant and I wish so many more of my friends were able to come and appreciate it. Nevertheless, this is not the end! We'll be in touch and I am so happy to have shared this fantastic experience with you.
Matt J. - You're so sweet and amazing, I am humbled by your endless support and the countless expressions of love that you've sprinkled among the cast. It has brought us so much closer and I think everyone appreciated their bits of attention. Thank you so much for all you have done and I'm so glad to have shared this experience with you! Love ya!
A.J. C. - You have so many nicknames I never know what to call you. I digress: thank you. Thank you for inspiring me to be a greater performer, for inspiring me to pursue more aspects of the arts and for providing this amazing piece of work that has truly touched me deeply. I am moved by this show and I would have it no other way than to have presented it with as great a friend as I've found in Sam. I'm so happy you enjoyed every night and greeted me with a hug and a smile every night, every time I walked up to you and every rehearsal we ever had - even the very first. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This has been brilliant. I hope to work with you again in the future!
That's all. I just want to say that every time we did our Viva La Strada circle before a performance [ at least for the ones I've been present for ] I just wanted to let you all know that you've been such a great help in making this summer fantastic. So, thank you. I love you all. Wonderful work.
Special acknowledgment for my friends and family who came to see the show. I am so happy you enjoyed it and got to share it with me, especially my favorite person on the face of the planet, My Mem. =]
Alright, I'm gonna go run and sit in the air conditioning, since house opens in 25 minutes and A.J. yelled at me to come. I'm not performing, but I wanted to see program Red, so I'm here! I'll let you all know how it goes!
Thank you so much for reading and I hope to talk to you guys again real soon!
Viva La Strada!
<3 ~ Darin
.=]
I've always been busy, always running around. None of the excuses, but I'll let you know what's up.
I'm currently sitting on the third floor of an arts center in Ocean Grove, all the way down the shore - about an hour and some change away from where I live. I just finished a Saturday matinee of a two-man show I was in, which was part of a larger play festival. During my journeys up and down the coast, I've been rolling around in playlists I have on Spotify, but I've become truly enamored with one particular artist since the end of the school year: Lianne La Havas.
If you don't know who she is, you should check her out. She's really mellow and maybe her sound isn't what suits your fancy, but she's got a gorgeous voice and plays guitar extremely well.
From her album, Is Your Love Big Enough.
It's not Blog Day, I know many have gone by, but I think my free time has come and go too often for my writing bug to crawl in and nestle comfortably. So, because the matinee performance was my last performance of the festival, I figured it prudent to acknowledge the wonderful people I got the opportunity to meet during this experience and a half.
The yoga class is getting out, now. They're all rolling up their mats and putting on their shoes and walking past me and I'm just smiling at all of them. There's a pair that have a lot of tattoos. Took me by surprise.
Anywho, this summer started when I dove back into the pharmacy with my buddy, Raj. He's been a great help and so generous with letting me back into his pharmacy to gain more experience in that field. I think it's pretty rad and that there are a lot of memories that I've made that wouldn't happen elsewhere, or have possibly been overlooked by people who've shared them. It's been nice.
Then I auditioned for a show in the city and my friend Steve contacted me about another in Asbury Park. I decided it'd be pretty cool to do some shows for the summer that would be outside of my usual element and radius of home and so, here I am. The show in the city is a kids theatre show, while the one in Asbury Park was to engage the LGBTQ community, a Rainbow Festival. The structure of these two organizations are really cool: Mentoring in Medicine for the kids' and La Strada Ensemble Theatre for the festival. I've met some pretty great people and I keep saying it because I kinda don't want it to be done. It stirred a little bit of the pot, but everything's good and everyone's happy.
I almost forgot to mention this amazing workshop that I did in Brooklyn with Carter Gill. My Roomz, Igor took it with me, along with a few other fellow Broncs. They were amazing at the clowning work and I was so proud to share such a wonderful, safe space with them. That was great.
 | |||||||||
| This clown got his nose at the end of the week. Until next year, Carter! |
So, yeah. That'll be an adventure for another day.
The festival consisted of six different programs. The one I participated in was Program Orange, via the show "The History of Us." I'm just gonna jot down the names in the order of the program. Hope you guys can find yourselves relatively easily and that you understand how fantastic you are from the little blurb I'm gonna leave here for you!
Here it goes!
LA STRADA ENSEMBLE THEATER'S RAINBOW FESTIVAL - PROGRAM ORANGE (2015)
Terrence B. - Man, Joy was right: you are the man. You're hilarious and such a jovial spirit and I wish I could have worked with you in this experience. Just means until next time. You bring such fantastic work to the table and I'm super proud of you for putting on the amazing show you did, bud! So glad to have had you open the show with Erica and warm up the crowd and be a fellow black man who knows how to work the crowd. As a fellow Benjamin Coffin, III, I know you're gonna do great things bud. Congrats on continuing your experience with La Strada and I look forward to working with you in the future!
Joy C. - You doll, you. Thanks for putting up with all my weirdness and awkward moments. Makes it more delightful to see you judging me, but not really judging me, when you were the one deserving of judgment for eating all of our pink starbursts. Shout out to you for that. Also, even though your voice was pretty low for an eight-year-old [ or however old you were supposed to be, ] you did a fantastic job laying into Chase and telling him who's boss. You're hilarious and I genuinely appreciate your sense of humor. If Sam actually follows through with putting us in his webseries, I demand that we just make snarky comments the entire time, ad libbing and improving and hopefully it turns out pretty damn good. Okay, thanks for always keeping the crew delightful with your wonderful smile and amazing light in your eyes. See you on the flipside.
Daniel C. - WHAT?! YOUR FIRST NAME'S NOT CHASE??? Okay, hold on, I gotta read this playbill again. Yeah, what? DANIEL?! Who are you. My life is a lie. You're a delight and adorable and such a great kid, I can just tell. You've got this genuine aura about you that probably is coupled well to your jubilant nature. Keep your mind clear and your heart open, just like you ritualized every night with Joy - that gave me some kind of ground to latch onto you guys with and support you for your performances. I mean, it's weird, but I just appreciate they dynamic you provide to the group and thank you for being the funny guy. There could have been a much worse funny guy. So, go you! See ya soon, man. Good luck in the future!
Erica K. - I'm so glad your husband brought you back into acting because your energy and drive are incomparable. There wasn't a time when you stepped into the building or when we attended your house for rehearsals that didn't delight me and make my day better. You're such a wonderful spirit and I am just humbled by your grateful and loving attitude. It's very refreshing knowing that art does bring friends together on both sides of the table. Keep up the amazing work. Can't wait to work with you again in the future! [ P.s. Give your pups a hug for me! ]
Liz M. - Yes! YESSSSS!!! It's official. You're my girl. Like, Lisa and Joy are my girl too, don't worry, but you're my girl. You're hilarious and blunt and so entertaining. It's okay to want attention and I just wish that we could have spent time together before tech week so that I got to know you better. Also, thanks for accepting me and not making me walk into rehearsal and cry because you didn't want to be my friend. Also, sometimes a shark-velociraptor-whale-blimp-tractor-dinosaur is exactly what this world needs. I mean did you see Age of Ultron? What would have happened if Vision wasn't created????? Okay, see you soon. I'll watch all of the television just for you. And maybe Steve and Sam. But mostly for you.
Sam P. - Thanks for being a friend from the beginning. I was honestly a little worried you were going to completely overlook this experience and just hit the show and quit it. But I've gotten to know you as a nice pal and it's so great to be able to work comfortably on a show. It's been a confidence booster racing you with memorizing the lines and OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND SO LET'S DO THIS DOUBLE DATE SOON, PLEASE YEAH THANKS? Don't worry too much about us not being friends anymore, though. Stevarooni and I were always conspiring behind your back. [ P.s. Webseries. That is all. ]
Lisa S. - Hi, best friend. You're gorgeous, inside and out. I just want to let you know that. Simply because everyone in the cast has beautiful souls, but you've got a presence that truly radiates and shares your with everyone in the cast. Thank you for being you, for making me laugh with Liz, for calming Sam down whenever I was running super late or before we went right on. Thanks for the softness of your heart and the sharpness of your mind. You're great, you really are. Super proud to be on your Instagram, too.
Lydia S. - I REMEMBERED WHEN YOU CAME TO RIDER FOR ADMITTED STUDENTS DAY AND I GOT SO EXCITED ON THE STAIRS TALKING TO YOUR MOM. You have no clue. It means so much that you've been so supportive and encouraging during this entire experience. I'm glad to have worked with you on a show while we're both at Rider and I look forward to having all o the many challenges - oh, those challenges - of finding insiders to share back at Rider. You are fantastic and keep up the amazing work. ~ Your Prez. =]
Cassie P. - I adore you. You're fantastic. Thank you so much for making this experience as great as it has been and I thoroughly enjoyed spending what little time I had the opportunity to with you. You're such a sweetheart. Keep up the brilliant work and I'll be seeing you soon!
Clarissa S. - I'm still gonna fight Tom for you, don't worry. Also, you're great and so sweet and so nice. Thanks so much for making every night a different night and for keeping us on our toes. Also, this great thing about my quick change and the long-ass scene changes? Shout-out to you three - Clarissa, Cass and Lydia - for making sure I didn't have to stumble back onstage half-naked almost every time. Really, thank you for that.
Steven R. - To my spectacular director: Thanks so much for this amazing opportunity. I enjoyed every painstaking bit of traveling that helped me discover a lot about myself while coming down to Asbury and going back home to my Mem. Thank you for always looking out for me, and I'm super proud of you for being the amazing star that you are. Sam thinks he's slick because he doesn't want to hang out with us ever, but it's okay because I'm the only one out of the trio who hasn't seen Paradise. And I'd like to keep it that way. =] <3 Best wishes to you for this upcoming project and you better believe I'm sending all of my good vibes your way.
Doug B. - Your work is brilliant and I just wanted to let you know that. You're amazing and I'm astonished by how you know Meaghan Finlay because she's so darling and sweet [ and very close to one of my good friends. ] I can't wait to work with you in the future and thank you for contributing to this awesome festival, it's been so fantastic. [ P.S. Now I have to go back and watch all the episodes of All My Children before I speak to you again. Bahaha. ]
Ryan W. - YOU'RE GREAT. You're so gracious and wonderful and loving and honest and funny and I just appreciate everything you did for us. Your work is brilliant and I wish so many more of my friends were able to come and appreciate it. Nevertheless, this is not the end! We'll be in touch and I am so happy to have shared this fantastic experience with you.
Matt J. - You're so sweet and amazing, I am humbled by your endless support and the countless expressions of love that you've sprinkled among the cast. It has brought us so much closer and I think everyone appreciated their bits of attention. Thank you so much for all you have done and I'm so glad to have shared this experience with you! Love ya!
A.J. C. - You have so many nicknames I never know what to call you. I digress: thank you. Thank you for inspiring me to be a greater performer, for inspiring me to pursue more aspects of the arts and for providing this amazing piece of work that has truly touched me deeply. I am moved by this show and I would have it no other way than to have presented it with as great a friend as I've found in Sam. I'm so happy you enjoyed every night and greeted me with a hug and a smile every night, every time I walked up to you and every rehearsal we ever had - even the very first. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This has been brilliant. I hope to work with you again in the future!
That's all. I just want to say that every time we did our Viva La Strada circle before a performance [ at least for the ones I've been present for ] I just wanted to let you all know that you've been such a great help in making this summer fantastic. So, thank you. I love you all. Wonderful work.
Special acknowledgment for my friends and family who came to see the show. I am so happy you enjoyed it and got to share it with me, especially my favorite person on the face of the planet, My Mem. =]
Alright, I'm gonna go run and sit in the air conditioning, since house opens in 25 minutes and A.J. yelled at me to come. I'm not performing, but I wanted to see program Red, so I'm here! I'll let you all know how it goes!
Thank you so much for reading and I hope to talk to you guys again real soon!
Viva La Strada!
<3 ~ Darin
.=]
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
To Tyler
To Tyler:
A day-stale memory wants me to tell you,
"I'm sorry."
I mean,
I don't know you personally,
Or even at all,
But I think I experienced you being put in a very particular compartment in a woman's life:
Friend-zoned.
It... Well.
This is as awkward as it was for her.
I don't know her name.
I don't even know where she was from,
But my idle eyes and dispassionate attention tuned in on her through some seats -
Only because my battery ran dry and desperation to communicate my safe travels
Proved more significant than entertaining myself on the journey.
Plus, it's nice to open your eyes for a bit.
But, nevertheless, I'm apologizing
Not because I coerced her to
Or that I knew exactly what was going on and could have stopped it but
Namely because
She pities you.
You're a prime example of
Social conditioning,
Routine ambition and
Something outstandingly ordinary.
I watched her,
Intrigued because
She danced over the surface of her phone
Tender and delicate like she was tickling at your eyelashes
Or like she was testing your tendons
And making sure your joints were not to snap.
She retraced every word, every letter that she pressed,
Analyzed and tried to channel
Prize-worthy comforts.
Ones that would set you on a bed of clouds,
Ones that would not chip her nude-matte nails
Or ones that would keep her honey-gray eyes from watering.
She knew exactly what she wanted to say from the moment you declared
Defeat.
Again and again and again
You asked her
Again and again and sometimes when she switched pages
She over-analyzed it.
She told her friend
And another friend
And another.
But she did not poke fun.
She did not tease you.
Instead, she justified herself.
She felt bad and honestly so,
Because no sensibly wholesome woman,
On a train coming from sandy beaches
And routinely checking her latest instantly-filtered photo of her
Acknowledgment that men fight and women fight
And this country fights
But she does not wish to fight,
Would spend half a train-ride
Thinking of what to say.
How does a person lay them down easy?
How does a woman distract herself from her favorite, bright triangle-patterned shirt
And from the sensual alto two rows behind her
And the overtly observant owl-like eyes one row behind her
And the train that threw her in a multi-directional, multi-dimensional
Spiral of her heart?
She gave you her full attention
With every syllable making sense.
She erased and deleted and repeated
She even let herself sit
And think
And sift
And drink from a tall bottle of Poland Spring,
Fulfilled of its duty for her sunkissed day down by the
Surely these things mean nothing to you.
While she was deliberating her concentrating great debating,
You grew disinterested.
From walls of laughter at a time
To suggestions and prepositions and
Updates on what she meant to you,
To a simple, quirky declaration of your disappointment.
She followed through with her friend, two friends, three friends.
Thankfully she didn't share it in a group that she also was responding interspersedly to.
She told her friends that you were disappointed
She told them that she wished your friendship would be a bridge unburned,
A stone already turned
But not washed away by the current situation.
Her words were always dancing.
Dancing all through minefields of life.
Things we, as human beings, rarely consider.
She knew what she wanted to say, from the moment you declared defeat,
From the moment you chose to be
Interested in her in the way she was not interested in you.
Sometimes it not a bad thing -
To be put in a particular divide.
Sometimes it's better than nothing.
Consider the benefits. Consider your losses.
In the end, friends are hard to come by,
Especially ones who care so greatly for your welfare.
Especially ones who care so greatly.
Especially ones who care.
Especially ones who
Carry a great load of burden and cannot find the words
Or cannot stomach the thoughts
Or cannot bear the truth.
You got the truth.
She told you how she felt.
Even though she tugged and rolled with her feelings, she did not fight,
She did not fight. She did not.
She was truthful to you.
Honest to herself.
Honorable to your friendship.
Which, by the way, she strongly, intuitively believed in.
Take these words, Tyler, and consider them as understanding and complimentary.
You didn't get friend-zoned,
You got a friend who knew what was best for you both
And would always look out for you before she looked out for her Self.
The Self is a private entity.
It is not to be shared brightly
Or trekked over lightly:
It's to stay private until private includes another soul and
Private means another part to become whole.
Your "Ouch!" made her giggle.
It made her one friend laugh.
Another blessed your sweet little heart.
The last talked about a lobster fest, or a seafood fest,
I couldn't read half the things and superimposed my perspective in this scene to a rationalization that may not be all that accurate.
But she was.
Accurate.
Precise.
Intentional.
Like an unstuck nail.
She looked out of the window, watching greens blur into golds and the sky roll over on itself.
Her messy bun was tickled by my receipt of this sojourn, which she was not bothered by.
The ring on her right pinky twirled a few times in her duress,
In her distressed mind processes,
And let's keep something between you and me,
I think she's a great lady, a wonderful one, even
Because of the energy she gives off.
So take her friendship.
Take it in stride.
And win her heart, if that's what you're truly after.
Because they always say,
And I don't know exactly who they is, but they always do say,
The best relationships start off as great friendships.
Good luck, Tyler.
You deserved the nicest rejection I've ever witnessed through an irregular means of occupying my over-stimulated brain
That that woman gave you.
Thank Jane. Or Bridgette. Or Whitney. Or Sarah.
Maybe her name was Michelle. Or Deborah.
Or Anna. Amanda, maybe?
Whatever it was, thank her.
And sorry. Maybe next time.
A day-stale memory wants me to tell you,
"I'm sorry."
I mean,
I don't know you personally,
Or even at all,
But I think I experienced you being put in a very particular compartment in a woman's life:
Friend-zoned.
It... Well.
This is as awkward as it was for her.
I don't know her name.
I don't even know where she was from,
But my idle eyes and dispassionate attention tuned in on her through some seats -
Only because my battery ran dry and desperation to communicate my safe travels
Proved more significant than entertaining myself on the journey.
Plus, it's nice to open your eyes for a bit.
But, nevertheless, I'm apologizing
Not because I coerced her to
Or that I knew exactly what was going on and could have stopped it but
Namely because
She pities you.
You're a prime example of
Social conditioning,
Routine ambition and
Something outstandingly ordinary.
I watched her,
Intrigued because
She danced over the surface of her phone
Tender and delicate like she was tickling at your eyelashes
Or like she was testing your tendons
And making sure your joints were not to snap.
She retraced every word, every letter that she pressed,
Analyzed and tried to channel
Prize-worthy comforts.
Ones that would set you on a bed of clouds,
Ones that would not chip her nude-matte nails
Or ones that would keep her honey-gray eyes from watering.
She knew exactly what she wanted to say from the moment you declared
Defeat.
Again and again and again
You asked her
Again and again and sometimes when she switched pages
She over-analyzed it.
She told her friend
And another friend
And another.
But she did not poke fun.
She did not tease you.
Instead, she justified herself.
She felt bad and honestly so,
Because no sensibly wholesome woman,
On a train coming from sandy beaches
And routinely checking her latest instantly-filtered photo of her
Acknowledgment that men fight and women fight
And this country fights
But she does not wish to fight,
Would spend half a train-ride
Thinking of what to say.
How does a person lay them down easy?
How does a woman distract herself from her favorite, bright triangle-patterned shirt
And from the sensual alto two rows behind her
And the overtly observant owl-like eyes one row behind her
And the train that threw her in a multi-directional, multi-dimensional
Spiral of her heart?
She gave you her full attention
With every syllable making sense.
She erased and deleted and repeated
She even let herself sit
And think
And sift
And drink from a tall bottle of Poland Spring,
Fulfilled of its duty for her sunkissed day down by the
Surely these things mean nothing to you.
While she was deliberating her concentrating great debating,
You grew disinterested.
From walls of laughter at a time
To suggestions and prepositions and
Updates on what she meant to you,
To a simple, quirky declaration of your disappointment.
She followed through with her friend, two friends, three friends.
Thankfully she didn't share it in a group that she also was responding interspersedly to.
She told her friends that you were disappointed
She told them that she wished your friendship would be a bridge unburned,
A stone already turned
But not washed away by the current situation.
Her words were always dancing.
Dancing all through minefields of life.
Things we, as human beings, rarely consider.
She knew what she wanted to say, from the moment you declared defeat,
From the moment you chose to be
Interested in her in the way she was not interested in you.
Sometimes it not a bad thing -
To be put in a particular divide.
Sometimes it's better than nothing.
Consider the benefits. Consider your losses.
In the end, friends are hard to come by,
Especially ones who care so greatly for your welfare.
Especially ones who care so greatly.
Especially ones who care.
Especially ones who
Carry a great load of burden and cannot find the words
Or cannot stomach the thoughts
Or cannot bear the truth.
You got the truth.
She told you how she felt.
Even though she tugged and rolled with her feelings, she did not fight,
She did not fight. She did not.
She was truthful to you.
Honest to herself.
Honorable to your friendship.
Which, by the way, she strongly, intuitively believed in.
Take these words, Tyler, and consider them as understanding and complimentary.
You didn't get friend-zoned,
You got a friend who knew what was best for you both
And would always look out for you before she looked out for her Self.
The Self is a private entity.
It is not to be shared brightly
Or trekked over lightly:
It's to stay private until private includes another soul and
Private means another part to become whole.
Your "Ouch!" made her giggle.
It made her one friend laugh.
Another blessed your sweet little heart.
The last talked about a lobster fest, or a seafood fest,
I couldn't read half the things and superimposed my perspective in this scene to a rationalization that may not be all that accurate.
But she was.
Accurate.
Precise.
Intentional.
Like an unstuck nail.
She looked out of the window, watching greens blur into golds and the sky roll over on itself.
Her messy bun was tickled by my receipt of this sojourn, which she was not bothered by.
The ring on her right pinky twirled a few times in her duress,
In her distressed mind processes,
And let's keep something between you and me,
I think she's a great lady, a wonderful one, even
Because of the energy she gives off.
So take her friendship.
Take it in stride.
And win her heart, if that's what you're truly after.
Because they always say,
And I don't know exactly who they is, but they always do say,
The best relationships start off as great friendships.
Good luck, Tyler.
You deserved the nicest rejection I've ever witnessed through an irregular means of occupying my over-stimulated brain
That that woman gave you.
Thank Jane. Or Bridgette. Or Whitney. Or Sarah.
Maybe her name was Michelle. Or Deborah.
Or Anna. Amanda, maybe?
Whatever it was, thank her.
And sorry. Maybe next time.
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