Sorry I haven't been here every waking moment. You're probably really tired of me apologizing, but I am genuinely apologizing for myself.
I developed this habit of talking to myself when it's late at night and I'm outside, star-gazing and ice-slipping after a capella rehearsals or printing things out in the 24-hour lounge of the library. One night, I mentioned finding a better medium to express myself and, believe it or not, that lone conversation I've been having in the cold has helped me reorient my mind.
It feels cluttered, this year, but it's a task I'm willing and always ready to take on. The only inconvenience is the inconsistency of this drive I grip. Like, it's there, but there are times when my passion's tired and when my focus isn't with me. Regardless, I'll push through because no matter how many times I lose sight, the goal is always still there.
Just like if you turn off the light, your hands are still in front of you if you hold them out, so to speak.
"Helplessly"
by Tatiana Manaios
by Tatiana Manaios
Markito suggested it to me. I've gotten especially close with him and Igorito this semester. I look forward to living with them for the future handful of years as we discover ourselves and our careers.
I am... on Spring Break.
I've got so many things. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have so many obligations because I dove right into this semester and I was barely in the mindset I needed to be. Maybe it's just the whole world that's going through some weird shift right now. Everyone's restless, everyone's reckless. It's so strange, so unexpected.
I am grateful and happy, of course, but I've been observing a lot more than I normally have.
A year ago, I probably spoke of naive notions and ensured you that something I believed was a completely malleable perception. This time around, I'm settling in my convictions. I've realized that there's a lot more to this world than letting things roll by and, while this may not be news to you, it's important to me.
I almost died.
I mean, not like almost. Maybe "could have almost" is more appropriate.
I made a friend in one of my classes. New and freshly immersed in the university and we began to spend time together. A bond grew and developed and I can greatly appreciate this quick friendship that formed. I like to consider myself in a mentor-like position and our conversations have exacted a resurfacing of patience that I have lost with people. Patience was always very significant to me because it seems to bring good into your life when you're not expecting it anymore. And good is very good, wouldn't you agree?
Love is funny. I'm still in love and can easily say that it's always growing and changing and strengthening the relationship I have, along with the friendships I develop, stumble over, rediscover or seem to lose track of.
One of my good friends is a very interesting guy.
He worries about what people think about him. Okay, well that sounds like a lot of people, but hear me out.
He was recently sitting down and just unsheathing his heart. It's a "good heart" as one of my other friends suggested and reminded him. And I tagged onto the frustration in the room when I fathomed where it came from: a conviction to discourage one's self. Eloquently put, he was restricting himself by telling other people "no" when, in reality, he was telling himself "no." And this is precisely why I haven't been sitting down at my computer and sharing my thoughts with anyone anymore.
Before, when this tightness in my chest was constant, I always felt the need to lay atop my keyboard and escape the world around me. Now, I'm so immersed in reality that I can barely grasp winks of sleep after shutting my computer down after shoveling school work out of the way. It uneases me when I have to shove away my personal preferences and habits for my obligations rather than having a happy medium.
But, I mean, it's better that I'm getting stuff done than not getting anything done at all, right?
Right?
Anywho, after our pep rally, he felt more settled in himself.
"You have to love yourself and be happy for yourself."
That was the message he took away. That was the message I heard in the air and felt in all of our bodies.
Last week, that friend I made in class was driving with me and another friend who I've gotten the pleasure of becoming very close to this semester. Weather conditions were bad and one thing lead to another and a vehicular collision occurred. Thankfully, everyone is alive and well and had any element gone awry, the outcome would not have been the same. I'm astounded by the rapid succession of the accident and reality check that occurred: it was so swift and succinct, how much my future and my present meant to me. How much it means to me, now.
Another friend has had a rough week. Midterms, sure. Work, fine. But her heartstrings have been tugged and she's having a hard time with convincing herself that she should live in right and wrong, when - truthfully, just like I told that first friend who was going through his conflicts as well - she should not live in any restrictions. Ethics are guidelines but they do not grade you. Morals are crutches but they do not hold you upright. Your legs and your arms hold you up. Your heart guides and guards you.
A good experience of your emotions is very important.
Last weekend [ or two, I lost track, ] was the opening of a show at my university, Machinal. Congrats to the cast, of course, on such a brilliant work of theater.
As some of you may already know, my family has many topics that I rather not discuss. However, I've gotten to a point in my personal development where I am strong enough to at least type and read over things. Just as I was typing that, I heaved a great sigh of preparation, even. It's time.
My older brother, Chris, has a mental illness. No matter how many times my mother would bring him to rehab or doctors or therapy, there was always an episode when we returned to the house. Instability rung loud and clear through my middle school days and it was just around then when my brother went to Jamaica to reside with his father. Living with us in my mother's abode was too strenuous for all parties involved and, just because things got violent, I now think it's for the better. When personalities clash, it's very monumental. When emotions get involved, it's volatile.
Machinal walked me through a parallel journey of these times. With the character of Helen and her regression, I'm astounded that I only shed tears a total of eight times in the two performances I attended. I don't know what else to say other than it was just what I needed. I'm not 100% healed, but I'm much better than I was before.
I guess it's a step in the right direction to becoming happy, to becoming a better person. What's more is that I checked my resolution for last year and found #3 for this lovely month of March, which is half-near over.
Here's what I had:
"Self-Promotion, Progress and Positivity"Before you begin, wash your hands thoroughly with pure, unsaturated gratefulness, unblended admiration and compassion-concentrate. After drying them with the acceptance of the world around you, you may prepare the appliances:"Alone" by Milika Cheree
3. Next comes the great part we all love. If you take a container to place the heart in - preferably figurative and mentally fabricated, housing the actual heart right where it belongs [ in your chest cavity, in case you are following the instructions verbatim ] you can sit there and evaluate both your heart and your body with your mind. Take all the time you need: this is a recipe made for either one lifetime or many - however many you need to figure it out. With this evaluation, you should be able to find what you cherish: what you hold dear, what you appreciate, what makes you happy, what strikes you emotionally and what makes you want to go to sleep to wake up the next morning and breathe air for. Once you have made a list composed of more than [ but no little as ] fifteen things [ accumulative or separately for each category is not distinguished ], you are free to find things in your life that fit snugly in whichever places they belong. Feel free to bend the rules if it's something that doesn't seem to fit at all. However, if it is negative in any aspect, you must set it aside in a pile alienated from the container which houses your washed, thriving heart and your stable body. Let's call this rubbish. Not like we're going to refer to it another time. But, for your future purposes, and if you need to try your hand again at this recipe, "rubbish" is a starting point.
It's still good a year and 2 months later. =]
What I have to say to everyone who needed this Spring Break to come sooner is that you need to find time out of your busy, hectic day to appreciate yourself. Love yourself before you love anyone else because you won't be able to love them to the best of your ability or love them as much as you'd love to. I'm still working on it, but I've gotten to a very stable part in my life. I know what I want, I know where I'm going. I know who I am.
Sometimes it's really important to know things like that, y'know?
This month will probably help you figure out why the Supermoon happens right before you escape a car crash unscathed or why your gut gets tingly when you see someone's name or why your chest unravels when you're in someone's presence.
This month will probably help you more than you were expecting it to.
I've got things to finish. 2 Scripts, a short film, maybe a comic, assignments as per usual, stories and studies that will enrich me as a student, individual and in pursuit of my happiness.
"You're not helping me, babe, but I fall helplessly for you."
And I just say that everything has a reason.
Maybe not right now, but you're smart: you'll find it out.
It's nice to be back. See you on Tuesday.
<3 ~ Monty.
=]
