Chris Brown - "Don't Wake Me Up"
- A b s o l u t i o n .
I feel strange.
I've been talking with friends, more so than normal, about certain topics. Some specific and some pertaining to broader subjects, but all relating back to me in some manner.
One thing I found particularly intriguing about myself is that I never could kindle some sort of sentiment for people. I mean, I'd say I'd miss someone or remember them, and I'd know it was true or that my expression changed from the compulsive focus, but I never felt the warm fuzziness in my heart for everyone. Granted, I have different relationships for each of my friends, and some memories I hold more fond than others... But.. I just find it weird that there isn't a baseline pinch in my gut or tickle in my feet when I say I miss someone.
I recently have been speaking with one of my good friends who is going through some hardships in their lives. Of course, everyone's going through a rough patch here or there, but this individual's got me snared by the brain: I usually know what to say or how to say it, but when they rattled off their concerns, their issues and inner musings to me, they left me dumbfounded.
They already knew and stated all the things I needed to say. And, to say the least, it makes me feel useless.
But it's a good learning experience.
This song came on Spotify one day, and I actually wasn't intending to develop any ties to it. But it wafted right in front of my face, and I thought I could do something nice and raw with it, so I'm going to look into it. Then I put it on InfiniteLooper and I transcribed the lyrics.
I stared at them and reveled in the defrosting epiphany that I didn't need to force any sort of sentiment ever.
There are certain people who grip my nerves, my heart and my mind better than others. Some are aware while others most certainly have no clue. And my invulnerability to that vulnerability has always been to turn a cold shoulder - and, in turn, freezing over my internal fire and the epiphany that glows with it.
My friend also admitted how much fear factored into their concerns and dilemma. What they were afraid of being capable of and what they would do if worst came to worst.
I gave my twopence, that it would never have to get that bad, that they would never have to stoop that low, but then I realized myself just how basic the human needs are.
And the conditions people live in to meet those needs sometimes never even phase me.
This is something I haven't finished exploring yet, how to face this dilemma, and even though I can shine as much light as I can reflect onto the dark spots, there are always corners where my light won't reach - always things I won't know entirely. But it's okay, because no matter what comes my way, there's always a way around it.
I missed my good friends from home. It's good to see them ago. It's good to come back home and see they're good and well and that they're having as much fun with their lives. That they're not suffering or that they're not becoming people I never knew.
I miss the people I never got to know as well as I probably wanted to.
I miss the people who make me feel special and the people who make me feel lesser than myself. I miss the things that used to be and the things that could have been.
But when all things reconvene, when I see things fall into place, I'll remember what it was like to find those feelings, those sentiments.
But for now, we'll play it by ear.
And play the cards in my hand I know can get me to the next round.
Well. Friends are back, and we're going to hang out.
<3 ~ Monty.
=]
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